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Archives

A list of the finely crafted articles previously posted on Irony Central. Please follow the links to reach the appropriate table, or scroll through the entire list:

Most recently added articles are at the top of this list:

June 8 2006 - Nov 1, 2006

 

Game articles and Flag Burning

Apr 7 2006 - May 5, 2006

 

Game articles, Crank, and Condoms

Jan 10, 2006 - Apr 27, 2006

 

Toddler Vol. 31, 32 and Epilogue

July 28, 2005 - Dec 09, 2005

 

Toddler Vol. 28, 29 and 30

Mar 4, 2005 - May 31, 2005

 

Toddler Vol. 24, 25, 26 and 27

Oct 29, 2004 - Feb 2, 2005

 

Toddler Vol. 20, 21, 22 and 23

July 17 - Sept 27, 2004

 

Poo Bomb, Toddler Vol. 17, 18 and 19

July 6 - May 20, 2004

 

France, Fahrenheit 911, Toddler Vol. 15 and 16

Nov 21, 2003 - Feb 12, 2004

 

Serial Killer Quiz and Story About the Toddler Vol 10, 11 & 12

July 11, 2003 - July 8, 2003

 

Story About the Toddler Vol 6, 7, 8 & 9

June 6, 2003 - July 8, 2003

 

Story About the Toddler Vol 4 & 5, Baby pics and Pudknocker Farms

Mar 7, 2003 - May 27, 2003

 

Story About the Toddler Vol 1, 2, 3 & Boarding School

Jan 10 - Feb 04, 2003

 

Story About the Baby Vol 50, 51, 52 & Epilogue

Dec 13, 2002 - Jan 03, 2003

 

Story About the Baby Vol 46, 47, 48 & 49

Nov 20 - Dec 06, 2002

 

Story About the Baby Vol 43, 44, 45 & Baby Pics

Nov 01 - Nov 15, 2002

 

Story About the Baby Vol 40, 41 & 42 and Ani v. Jewel

Oct 04 - Oct 25, 2002

 

Story About the Baby Vol 36, 37, 38 & 39

Sept 13 - Sept. 27, 2002

 

Story About the Baby Vol 33, 34 & 35 and Tip of My Tongue

Aug 23 - Sept. 11, 2002

 

Story About the Baby Vol 30, 31 & 32 and 911 Anniversary

July 29 - Aug 16, 2002

 

Story About the Baby Vol 26, 27, 28 & 29

July 01 - July 19, 2002

 

Story About the Baby Vol 22, 23, 24 & 25

June 07 - June 26, 2002

 

Story About the Baby Vol 19, 20 & 21 and Serial Killers

May 10 - May 31, 2002

 

Story About the Baby Vol 15, 16, 17 & 18

Apr 18 - May 05, 2002

 

Setting Up the Bassinet, Story About the Baby Vol 12, 13 & 14

Mar 25 - April 17, 2002

 

Story About the Baby Vol 9, 10 & 11 and Scorched Earth Winter Games

Feb. 27, - Mar 21, 2002

 

Story About the Baby Vol 5, 6, 7 & 8

Jan. 18, - Jan 28, 2002

 

Story About the Baby Vol 1 & 2, Ejaculation Increase

Dec. 12, - Jan. 14, 2002

 

Ambivalent Parent, Lord of the Rings, Sept 11, Funny Hats

Sept. 3, - Nov. 30, 2001

 

Products for the Mad Scientist, Internet, Letters, and Total Injustice

July 3, - August 20, 2001

 

Some Touching Poetry and Parenting Camp

June 5, - June 25, 2001

 

Ziggy & Wiggy, Voting and Porn

May 7, - May 30, 2001

 

Mad Science, Letters, Hunger, and Disempaction

Feb. 13, - April 20, 2001

 

Love, Brains, Grease, Exercise, Justice and Paris

Jan. 9 - Jan. 25,
2001

 

Theology Exam, Third World Children, and Temptation Island

Dec. 5, 2000 - Jan. 4, 2001

 

Adventures in Europe

Inaugural speech and article

 

Sixth IGN Column 11/01/06

Jeff Vogel has a new article on on RPG Vault. It is about the common path players take through online RPGs like World of Warcraft, from killing field mice by yourself to fleeing your raid guild in an explosion of burnout and regret.

Fifth IGN Column 08/10/06

Jeff has another shrill and humorous article about RPGs up at the Vault Network.

Flag Burning 06/28/06

Our Government at work.

Fourth IGN Column 06/08/06

Jeff Vogel has another column (this one about buying gold in online games) at IGN RPG Vault.

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Pope Benedict XVI 05/02/06

According to the Tuesday, May 2nd New York Times, the Vatican is currently arguing over a very, VERY difficult issue:

Crank! 05/02/06

I just recently had an entertaining E-mail exchange with an internet crank. Since it was, genuinely, the first hostile E-mail I’ve ever gotten about the baby journals, I thought I’d put it up, so everyone could know how much I suck.
Letters

IGN Article Three 04/14/06

Another article on writing computer games by Jeff.

First Two IGN Columns 04/07/06

Jeff Vogel, the proprietor of this site, has been writing a humorous column on computer games for ign.com. You can read the first two columns here and here.

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The Story About the Toddler, Epilogue 04/27/06

This is the last of the official, scheduled baby journals. But fear not! I will still write humor when stuff occurs to me and promptly place it on this page. Don’t leave me alone in my shame!

The Story About the Toddler, Volume 32. 03/10/06

While there will be occasional new humor on this page, and much of it will be about my offspring, the toddler journals are finally coming to a close. What can I say? No toddler means no toddler journals.

The Story About the Toddler, Volume 31.

01/10/06

Here is the latest offering. It was written in a warm, happy glow caused by the Holiday season. After all, nothing gets a kid to pretend to love you more than the possibility of presents.

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The Story About the Toddler, Volume 30. 12/09/05

The journals are coming a lot slower these days. Cordelia is less of a baby and more of a person, so there isn’t too much to talk about. Except that, it would appear, my wife has gotten herself pregnant again.

The Story About the Toddler, Volume 29.

09/30/05

The toddler journal is now being released on an every-other-month basis. What can I say? Cordelia is less interesting now.

But here is this month’s entry. I deconstruct preschool, Candyland, and my parental ability to mold my daughter’s mind in pleasing shapes

The Story About the Toddler, Volume 28.

07/28/05

Here is the latest installment of Cordelia’s life, a month late. What can I say? She hasn’t been as interesting lately.

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The Story About the Toddler, Volume 27. 05/31/05

Another month’s worth of musings on my crabby, demanding child. And I also talk about my book, and how it will make my daughter hate me forever and ever.

The Story About the Toddler, Volume 26. 04/29/05

It’s hard to tell what is most annoying: toddlers, experts who tell you how you should raise your toddlers, or stupid random strangers giving you their stupid opinions. This month, I unattractively rant about all of them.

The Story About the Toddler, Volume 25.

03/29/05

The first book of these baby journals is now out. Here is another installment of the second book. This month, we talk about schools, pretend violence, and my child’s destiny.

The Story About the Toddler, Volume 24.

03/04/05

Since the book version of the baby journals is almost out, one would think that I would be sitting back complacently. But no! Here, for your enjoyment, is the biggest journal entry ever! Cordelia is three now, and I have a lot to say about it. And children’s television. And old people.

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The Story About the Toddler, Volume 23.02/09/05

As I understand it, people who have chosen to remain childfree sometimes read my column for reassurance that they made the right choice. This month will do nothing to recruit them to child-bearing ways.

The Story About the Toddler, Volume 22. 01/05/05

This month, I heap piles of abuse on the hard-working, the helpless, and the undeserving. I also make fun of the local Children’s Museum, which I feel should have posters up saying, “Twenty Proud Years Of Preparing Children To Suck Up To the Man.”

The Story About the Toddler, Volume 21.

12/09/04

This is probably the most bleak baby journal ever. And, when I say “bleak”, I mean “whiny” and “pitiful.” But I say bad things and swear and am all naughty, so it might be worth reading certain parts of it.

The Story About the Toddler, Volume 20.

10/29/04

This month, we went to Amsterdam and did all the things you are expected to do in Amsterdam. Our daughter stayed home and failed to notice our absence. Worked out well all around.

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The Story About the Toddler, Volume 19. 09/29/04

This month, everything fell apart. The center could not hold. So we fled the country, leaving the baby behind. Also, we find that I am fat, but not very fat.

The Story About the Toddler, Volume 18. 09/08/04

This month’s column contains the following words: “maggots”, “erotic”, “tentacles”, “cockfighting”. It is recommended reading for all members of our society.

The Story About the Toddler, Volume 17. 08/03/04

This month, the third straight discussion of how toddlers are shrill, nasty little vipers. All signs indicate that this will be the main topic for quite some time.

Announcement of The Poo Bomb: True Tales of Parental Terror 07/19/04

Big news! The Story About the Baby is going to be a book! “The Poo Bomb: True Tales of Parental Terror” should, barring disasters, be published by the kind people at Andrews McMeel in Spring, 2005.

Of course, the book can always be cancelled. But I’ve already been paid my advance, so it’s all good.

Sadly, this development means that most of the Story About the Baby needs to be removed from the web site. But you can still read the Story About the Toddler, which is funny too.

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The Story About the Toddler, Volume 16. 07/06/04

This month, we discuss how toddlers are horrible little creatures.

Farhrenheit 911 advice 06/30/04

If you, like me, are a decadent, big-city, weenie liberal, you are planning to see Fahrenheit 911 when the crowds shuffle off to see Spiderman 2. In this case, as I saw it last night, here is some helpful advice.

The Story About the Toddler, Volume 15. 06/04/04

An unusually long entry this month, in which Cordelia encounters perky playmates, our toilet, and dead people. Also, I come up with a mathematical formula to exactly determine how much I am neglecting her on any given day.

La Belle France 05/20/04

As part of a long-standing Internet tradition, the content of this web site is written by two people: a fat, balding guy in his basement, and a 15 year old British girl at boarding school. This is pretty much how Slate.com got started.

Anyway, here is another missive from Daria, in England. It made me laugh.

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The Story About the Toddler, Volume 14. 05/04/04

The main thing we learn about parenting this month: scratching your ass feels good. No, really. Try it. Right now. ... Mmmmmm. Really takes the edge off your day, doesn’t it?

Fun Games 05/03/04

We have updated the Fun Games page to tell you about two of our latest games. Check them out!

The Story About the Toddler, Volume 13. 04/04/04

First toddler journal in two months. Why did I skip last month? Well, toddlers aren’t very interesting. So sue me.

Pictures of Cordelia. 03/29/04

Eight month old pictures of Cordelia. I’m lazy. More cuteness and snarky comments. New toddler journal coming shortly.

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The Story About the Toddler, Volume 12. 02/12/04

Cordelia turns two. She’s a screaming freak, and she tries to bite me. And I can’t get her to properly pronounce “Crap.”

The Story About the Toddler, Volume 11. 01/08/04

In this installment, I permanently solve the problem of divorce and unhappy marriages forever. I'm so smart. I should start charging for this stuff.

The Story About the Toddler, Volume 10. 12/05/03

This month, Cordelia experiences Halloween and a terrifying experience with an ugly baby. Now, if you will excuse me, I’m going to go watch TV news reports on the baby-killing flu, scrape imaginary germs off my forearms with a butter knife, and whimper.

Helpful, Non-Threatening Quiz: Am I a Serial Killer? 11/21/03

Helpful, Non-Threatening Quiz: Am I a Serial Killer? - What topic could possibly be more played and tired than serial killers? And yet, I still wrote this. So you have to read it.

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The Story About the Toddler, Volume 9. 11/03/03

This month, we deconstruct the noxious social construct that is “cuteness”. We also learn a good reason to have children. Or, at least, a less stupid reason.

The Story About the Toddler, Volume 8. 10/10/03

This month, tedious playground anecdotes and a long rant on how children’s television is just not mean-spirited enough.

The Story About the Toddler, Volume 7. 09/08/03

This month, I do a lot of bitching and complaining. Cordelia gets a face wound. Insects die to satisfy our bloodlust.

The Story About the Toddler, Volume 6. 08/11/03

This week, we learn about the three most important known parenting skills: deflecting blame, changing diapers out of enlightened self-interest, and bottle rocket management.

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The Story About the Toddler, Volume 5. 07/08/03

A few words about breast-feeding in public, the insanity of small talk, and the loathing I quietly hold for people I meet on the street. Reading this article is perfectly safe as, at my wife’s request, I removed the line, “Everyone’s a girl when they’re face down.” So enjoy!

Pudknocker Farms 06/20/03

Organic farming has become much more popular lately. Apparently, vegetables weren’t ugly enough. They needed our help. If only we approached our meat with such fanatical sincerity...

More Baby Pictures 06/20/03

For fans of the baby and toddler journals, here, as some have requested, are a number of other pictures of the baby. This will make our nightmarish adventures much easier to picture in your brains.

The Story About the Toddler, Volume 4. 06/06/03

If you are one of my relatives, you shouldn’t read this baby journal. Heck, if you are a human, you shouldn’t read this baby journal. It is icky. Rectal thermometers are icky. Life itself is icky...

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The Pain of Boarding School 05/27/03

Someone sent me an article that made me laugh. So here it is. She claims to be a 14 year old girl. Therefore, there are two possibilities. The better possibility is that she is lying. Much worse, she might be telling the truth. And therefore, for already being funny at 14, she must be destroyed.

The Story About the Toddler, Volume 3. 05/09/03

This month, we focus on our attempts to educate our toddler and mold her into a functional human being. I am confident that we succeeded.

From now on, our parenting responsibilities mainly involve handing her food at regular intervals.

The Story About the Toddler, Volume 2. 04/11/03

In times like these, there is nothing more comforting than throwing a log in the fireplace, sitting on the couch, cuddling with my daughter, turning on the TV, and watching the war. Cordelia loved it when the buildings in Baghdad blew up. The plumes of fire were real pretty.

The Story About the Toddler, Volume 1. 03/07/03

You can’t keep a good man down. Well, actually, you can. Give him a kid, and he’ll be pretty damn down for about 18 years. But at least I can bitch about it. So here’s more baby crap.

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The Story About the Baby, Epilogue. 02/14/03

This is the upbeat and cheery conclusion to the first year of articles about my sprog. There will be more, if you care, but it will be more on a monthly than a weekly basis. Thank you for your attention. Oh, and if you know a good literary agent who thinks the world could use a funny book about babies that’s actually funny, let me know.

The Story About the Baby, Volume 52. 01/29/03

And so we’re at the end of a year. This concludes the weekly portion of our program. At this point, updates will come according to a much more sporadic schedule. Thank you for listening.

The Story About the Baby, Volume 51. 01/17/03

I need to figure out a few pieces of wisdom to pass onto my daughter. What message should I pass on to her to benefit her when I’m gone? I’m thinking “Crush the weak.” It really has a nice ring to it.

The Story About the Baby, Volume 50. 01/10/03

Some might think this week’s piece is unusually juvenile, depending as it does on using the word “anus” as many times as possible. I feel that this is an inappropriate objection, however, as it assumes that there is a possible circumstance in which the word “anus” isn’t really funny

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The Story About the Baby, Volume 49. 01/03/03

The holidays are over. The presents have been unwrapped. The human race has ticked off another year of survival as we all crawl towards the day when nuclear bombs full of genetically engineered, vaccine-resistant smallpox get all of us, and our clones too. But at least our baby is still cute.

The Story About the Baby, Volume 48. 12/27/02

This week, we learn how all good things come from me, and how no bad things are my fault. Things are really looking up for me, I guess.

The Story About the Baby, Volume 47. 12/20/02

Before you read this, bear in mind that I did not intend to drop the baby. If I had the chance to live it over again, I would have not dropped the baby. And I ask you to join me in battle against my new arch-nemesis: the baby gate.

The Story About the Baby, Volume 46. 12/13/02

It turns out that it is possible to scientifically measure your child’s personality and, in particular, how annoying it is. It’s true! Join us as we put our daughter through the wringer and see if we win!

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The Story About the Baby, Volume 45. 12/06/02

This week’s summary: Parenting books, bad. Drugs and TV, good. ... Hmm. That doesn’t sound so good. I’m sure, when you read the details, it comes off better than that.

The Story About the Baby, Volume 44. 12/02/02

This week’s baby article is late because our happy little household has been stricken with a disease. Sometimes, our baby sneezes and a huge glob of snot comes out, and I have to catch it with my bare hands before it lands on the rug. We’re having a great time.

The Story About the Baby, Volume 43.

11/25/02

If all goes according to plan, there’s only 2 short months of baby journal articles left. After that, we’ll see whether we keep the baby or not. Right now, we’re leaning towards yes. But you never know...

Pictures of Cordelia at 9 Months 11/20/02

For loyal fans of our baby’s adventures, here are more photos. Warning: May contain mild amounts of humor. Very mild

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The Story About the Baby, Volume 42. 11/15/02

This week’s article is an inspirational tale of man’s effort to win his daughter’s love. Or, if necessary, stealing the daughter’s love from his wife.

Why Jewel Is Cooler Than Ani DiFranco 11/11/02

Hipsters beware! I come bearing the sword of righeousness!

The Story About the Baby, Volume 41.

11/08/02

Good news! I’ve just sold my first two children’s books: “The Three Fluffy Bunnies Have a Day At the Circus,” and “The Three Fluffy Bunnies and Steel Jaw Leghold Trap.”

The Story About the Baby, Volume 40. 11/01/02

This article should not be read by vegetarians or opponents of cloning. It will be upsetting to them.

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The Story About the Baby, Volume 39. 10/25/02

Here is the latest baby installment, which has been horribly censored by my wife. She made me remove the f-word in one bit. So I suggest, to get the flavor of the original piece, that you mentally insert the f-word at the end of every sentence.

The Story About the Baby, Volume 38. 10/18/02

This week, we learned what our daughter hates most: Meat. Having fingers jammed in her mouth. And street musicians. Those dirty, dirty street musicians.

The Story About the Baby, Volume 37.

10/11/02

The next installment in our unnervingly popular series of articles about my baby. Note that this article contains an extra-high quantity of details about feces. Beware.

The Story About the Baby, Volume 36. 10/04/02

This week, I speak in favor of TV for babies and against toys for babies. If I had my way, we’d sell all of her toys and use the money to buy a TV for her nursery.

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The Story About the Baby, Volume 35. 09/27/02

OK, so I think we can agree that clean clothes should be left on the baby, and clothes with big shit stains should be taken off. But what about urine? It’s gross, but invisible. Such a mystery, such a mystery...

The Story About the Baby, Volume 34. 09/20/02

More baby stuff. If you have a baby, enter and relate to us. If you never want to have a baby, enter for validation of your position.

On the Tip of My Tongue 09/17/02

A random stranger sent me an enjoyable article about the horrible injury he sustained to his tongue. Enjoy. Delight.

The Story About the Baby, Volume 33.

09/13/02

The Story About the Baby. As featured on memepool.com. Beloved of parents, non-parents, and people who are avoiding work. This week, learn how our baby’s face has scabs on it.

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My Special, Personal 9/11 Anniversary Itinerary 09/11/02

Today, on a Very Special ironycentral.com. We join every media outlet in existence in full observance of the 9/11 anniversary. Unfortunately, we don’t have any “plane flying into building” footage to show you, so our web site won’t give you nightmares in the way that, say, every single other one will.

The Story About the Baby, Volume 32. 09/06/02

Do you realize how hard it is to come up with these cutesy intros every week? As if anyone reads these anymore! It's part 32, for God's sake! I don't think you stay interested in your own child for this long, let alone mine.

The Story About the Baby, Volume 31.

08/30/02

While my child is a little darling, I can not be disappointed that she is not a clone of me. I feel that making her basically identical to me would be the best gift I could give her.

The Story About the Baby, Volume 30. 08/23/02

We were going to buy baby gates to childproof our house, but instead we just filled the whole place with a foot thick pile of styrofoam peanuts. Now the baby can roll down the stairs all she wants. Heck, I've been rolling down the stairs for fun.

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The Story About the Baby, Volume 29. 08/16/02

I would update this web site, but I’m too busy looking at the baby! Babies are SO CUTE! We LOVE babies! BABIES BABIES BABIES!

The Story About the Baby, Volume 28. 08/12/02

Today, a lot of ranting and baby photos and, worse, baby videos (shudder). Sure, a lot of parents will hate me. But that’s a small price to be to be the Voice Of Justice.

The Story About the Baby, Volume 27.

08/02/02

This week, we revel in the delights of relief from one’s child for a week, and reveal the One True Secret to proper parenting. Wow. All this, and free too.

The Story About the Baby, Volume 26. 07/29/02

My child and I have a relationship based on mutual profit. She gives me love and personal fulfillment. I give her big wads of newspaper to swallow. I am a Bad Daddy.

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The Story About the Baby, Volume 25. 07/19/02

Today, we deal with the two most important parts of the baby: the mouth and the ass. The sources of smiles and feces, the yin and yang, the alpha and omega, the top and bottom, the entrance and exit.

The Story About the Baby, Volume 24. 07/12/02

The latest jolly, happy, fun-time installment of baby caring joy. Thanks to the 4th of July, now our daughter knows what explosions sound like.

The Story About the Baby, Volume 23.

07/08/02

To be a parent means to learn to not say ’fuck’ 400 times a day. I just do not see how this is possible.

The Story About the Baby, Volume 22. 07/01/02

I’m sorry that the article is a little bit moist this week. It got within reach of our daughter, and she jammed it into her mouth and gummed it. Wait an hour before reading it, and it might dry out a little.

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Serial Killers 06/26/02

Another inspired rant from Peter Schuller. Remember. If 25 people died of heart attacks in a day, nobody gives a shit. But if 25 people die in a bus accident? It’s relevant somehow.

The Story About the Baby, Volume 21. 06/24/02

Ah, the ideal life. Taking drugs, lying back, and watching TV. No, not the perfect life for me, silly! For the baby!

The Story About the Baby, Volume 20.

06/14/02 I still have a baby to write about. This week, she is happy and industrious. Also, she has belly cellulite now.
The Story About the Baby, Volume 19. 06/07/02

This week’s installment is a mind-bending litany of sleeplessness, squealing, and mild abuse. Also, there’s some cutesy stuff, as if that makes it all right.

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The Story About the Baby, Volume 18. 05/31/02

You have a child? Well, our child is cuter. Science proves it. Unconvinced? Read on for a rigorous demonstration of this surprising and incontrovertible fact.

The Story About the Baby, Volume 17. 05/28/02

This week, our baby became a grouchy little squeal queen. Mock our pain.

The Story About the Baby, Volume 16.

05/17/02 Yet another part in the epic saga of our baby. Someday, she will read these, and there will be much screaming and demanding of therapy. Before the carnage starts, find out why!
The Story About the Baby, Volume 15. 05/10/02

Yep. Those babies. They sure are interesting. In this installment, we also learn how and why they should be put to work in the fields from the age of one.

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The Story About the Baby, Volume 14. 05/05/02

A haiku about my daughter.

my lotus petal
two legs, two eyes, and two arms
poo on her ankles

The Story About the Baby, Volume 13. 04/04/02

It’s hard to believe we’re already at issue 10. Every day our daughter is smarter and heavier. When she vomits now, she does it with class, with a certain confidence, as if to say “I am older now, and this barf is a thing I choose to expel. I am a free being.”

The Story About the Baby, Volume 12.

04/24/02 More terrible things said about my own helpless, defenseless little flesh and blood. How can anyone say such MEAN things? Bad man. Bad, bad man.
Setting Up Your Baby’s Bassinet. Or Something. 04/18/02

A brief, delightful pictorial essay.

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The Story About the Baby, Volume 11. 04/17/02

Another installment in this delightful and uplifting journal about our baby. If you read it, you will learn what “Imperforate Anus” is, and who gets it. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

The Story About the Baby, Volume 10. 04/04/02

It’s hard to believe we’re already at issue 10. Every day our daughter is smarter and heavier. When she vomits now, she does it with class, with a certain confidence, as if to say “I am older now, and this barf is a thing I choose to expel. I am a free being.”

The Story About the Baby, Volume 9

03/27/02 Another installment in the saga of baby Cordelia. This week, she is impaled with needles. And she has to fight daddy for the fresh milk.
Scorched Earth Winter Games 03/25/02

More revisions for the Olympic games from yet another loyal follower.

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The Story About the Baby, Volume 8. 03/21/02

More musings from parentworld. Brief summary: vomit smells bad. Poo stories are uninteresting. My daughter loves a cardboard disk. Also, I invent the word “scumfucking.”

The Story About the Baby, Volume 7. 03/13/02

Even more scientificalogical analysization of my baby daughter. It turns out that baby drool, when collected, concentrated, and processed, becomes a drug 200 times more effective than pot. That’s why you see so many babies in the inner city with sponges duct taped to their mouths.

The Story About the Baby, Volume 6.

03/06/02 Every day, my baby gets older and larger. Every precious moment that passes is a moment of her life I will never share in or experience again. Of course, most of those precious moments are spent trying to get fecal stains out of fuzzy pants. So I guess God doesn’t close a door without opening a window.
The Story About the Baby, Volume 5 02/27/02

Now it can be told. The ongoing effort to turn this web site into something like the Family Circus, but with the word “fuck”‚ continues. As a bonus, this article contains repeated usage of the phrase” Poo Bomb.”

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Hockey and The Winter Olympics 02/21/02

Recently, I said that hockey should be shed as an Olympic sport, like the dead wood it is. Someone has rebutted my view. Here is his argument, with my response, detailing why he is wrong.

Note, however, I reverse my earlier view that Curling should be dropped. I’ve actually started to find that curling is kind of neat. Plus, the Norwegian women’s curling team totally gives me a chubby.

The Story About the Baby, Volume 4. 04/29/02

Our new daughter is now a month old. Already, she has captured our hearts with her plucky intelligence, can-do spirit, and sober appreciation of the world around her. ... No, wait. ... She’s captured our hearts because, if something bad happens to her, we go to jail. My mistake.

Olympic Fever

02/11/02 As usual, we here in Irony Central Control have Olympic Fever. We absorb hours and hours of sports we never give a shit about any other time of year. So you don’t have to.
The Story About the Baby, Volume 3 02/07/02 Humorous vignettes from the second week of my infant daughter’s life. At no point, during this week, did we boil the baby.

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The Story About the Baby, Volume 2. 01/28/02 Our baby is now 10 days old. She sleeps a lot, but only when it’s not at night. She is her father’s daughter. Here is more ranting.

The Story About the Baby, Volume 1.

01/21/02

On Friday, January 18th, 2002, my first child was born. And you KNOW I’m going to have something to say about THAT.

Ejaculation Increase - A Scientific Analysis. 01/18/02 I recently received an E-mail with this subject: “Pill to Increase Your Ejaculation By %581.” Such a wonderful thing cannot go without comment.

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Funny hats, funny cars, dire threats 01/14/02 This is a thoughtful and article from a third party, followed by my thoughtful and insightful response. Warning... this article will be offensive to devout Catholics. But then, if you’re a devout Catholic, why are you reading this page? Shouldn’t you be magically turning crackers into meat or something?
Sept 11 Musings 01/07/02

This is not by me. It is by Peter Schuller, the first intrepid soul besides me to provide original content for this web site. You too can have an article of your own appear on this page. Only two things have to happen:

i. It has to make me laugh. Or fill me with horrible, soul-crushing rage.
ii. I don’t have to pay you.

Enjoy this long, clever, insightful rant. Word.

The Lord of the Rings: A Brief, Pleasing Analysis

12/24/01 It goes without saying that the Lord of the Rings movie rocks. It has been proven by science. However, the movie leaves one burning question unanswered...
Confessions of an Ambivalent Parent. 12/12/01 I am about to become a parent. Though I am fully prepared for this event, and to be loving, hard-working, supportive, etc., I also maintain my right to be unhappy about it. This manifesto is dedicated to all people who decide to become parents, even when they know that it is going to suck.

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Brief Comment on Total Injustice 11/30/01  
Letters 11/27/01 The articles have been few and far between recently, but we do have some new letters with which to trouble your soothed brow.

Why The Internet Meets All of Our Needs

11/02/01 What could be older and more tiresome than Internet humor? Well, this bit is timely and edgy because it contains the word “anthrax”. Enjoy.
Exciting New Products for the Working Mad Scientist 09/03/01 Another humor column for Girl Genius, Phil and Kaja Foglio’s hit comic book about mad scientists running around doing things to each other. Worth a few seconds of your time.

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Parenting Camp: Epilogue 08/20/01 One more humorous vignette from interacting with a small, hyper, Pokemon-obsessed boy.
Parenting Camp... The Conclusion 08/06/01 The conclusion of this particular brand of fun. More observations on the nature of raising children from one who, of course, has no actual children of his own. This is the best sort of place to get observations on children, by the way. Have you ever actually talked to actual parents? Jeez. What a bunch of fucking zombies.
Parenting Camp, Part Two 07/23/01 My continuing adventures with a Ritalin-deprived little boy. Note that this was written over a year ago, so the total number of Pokemon has increased in the interim.

Parenting Camp

07/09/01

This is the first in a series of articles on my humorous experiences while having a seven year old boy stay with us. Being an only child who never wanted to leave the house, my experiences with the wee ones were very limited.

Warning. Sharp learning curve ahead.

Some Touching Poetry 07/03/01 Here are several poems. I wrote them because I am full of sensitivity. A pink, moist, throbbing sensitivity, which grows in my intestinal tract like a massive backlog of beef.

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The Mathematics of Cyberporn 06/25/01 Yet another article on porn. I firmly believe that I am no more enamored of pornography than any other guy on this planet. I am, however, more honest about it.
My Latest Pet Peeve 06/18/01 Long-time fans of this page know that I love the porn. Gotta’ love that porn. Good times.

Voting: Why it Sucks

6/12/01 I actually mean most of what’s in this article. Look at it from a statistical point of view. If you could take a poll which queried %40 of the population, you would statistically be all but guaranteed to get an accurate result. So, if more than %40 of the people vote in any given election, it’s just wasted effort. In my view.
Ziggy and Wiggy 06/05/01

I, like anyone with a soul under the age of 60, hate inspirational comic strips. Like, say, Ziggy. You know? Ziggy? That round-headed product of a burned-out sixties reject? The one who’s always clogging up the Sunday funnies staring into a sunset with his fucking cat and saying something wry and puckish like, “I am glad that I worship Jesus.”

You know? Ziggy?

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Manual Disimpaction 05/30/01 The human body is a horrible, horrible thing.
Which One Doesn’t Eat Tonight? 05/24/01 Letting someone decide who lives and who dies is really the greatest gift one human being can give to another
Letters! 05/16/01 All loyal followers of this web site will now be favored with a unique treat: a small sampling of the adoring fan mail which pours into our web site every day. We hope to update our letters page frequently. Enjoy!
Reaching the Americas: One Mad Scientist’s Approach 05/07/01 Recently, famed fantasy artists Phil and Kaja Foglio released the first issue of their new comic book, Girl Genius. I had the unique honor of having a bit of humor of my own in the book. It is provided here, because, well, it’s pretty funny.

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The Grumpy Guide to Paris 04/20/01

An exciting travelogue, in which we celebrate and mock the French. Whether or not you plan to even leave this country, the viciousness and mockery contained in this article promise much delight.

The Struggle for Justice 4/09/01 Recently, I received an E-mail from someone who got expelled from junior college. Why? Because a concerned teacher found out that his personal home page linked to my writings. This article is my calm and measured response.
The Geek’s Guide To Workin’ Out 4/02/01 Based on the fact that you are reading this page, I am willing to make an educated guess and say that you are pale, soft, and moist. No worries. So am I. But there is hope...
Brain Virus 3/6/01 Seeing the movie Grease is almost never a good idea. It feels good, for a little bit. But then the pain begin...
Brian Embolism 2/26/01 A lovely little bit of fiction. Not funny, but icky and gross. And, if you need to take a break from funny; icky and gross is definitely the way to go.
Love Song 2/13/01 This article is here to help you celebrate your love.

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Temptation Island, Episode 3 1/25/01 The joy continues...
Temptation Island, Episode 2 01/22/01 Continuing thoughts on the defining event of our generation.
Pennies A Day 1/17/01 You know those programs where you can support a Third World Child for pennies a day? I’ve always wondered if those things were on the up and up. The answer? Almost...
Why Temptation Island Is The Greatest Thing Ever 1/12/01 We here at Irony Central can be timely. And there is something too good for you to miss...
Theological Engineering Exam 1 1/9/01

In 1998, I wrote a short, sweet little bit of funny called the Theological Engineering Exam. If you do a web search on google.com for “Theological Engineering”, you will find hundreds of copies of it. Most of them are credited to someone who isn’t me.

But I’m not bitter. I only exist to bring other people joy.

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Europe Part VII 1/4/01 The final E-mail sent by my wife Mariann and me to our friends from Europe. In it, we summarize the moving and valuable lessons we learned.
Europe Part VI 1/3/01 As this exciting chapter begins, we have just left Budapest for the infinitely more rural Harkany, near the Yugoslav border.
Europe Part V 1/2/01 Part 5 of 7. Wife and I. E-mails. France, Italy, and Hungary. Blah, blah, blah.
Europe Part IV 12/22/00 We continue. Here, we change from making fun of people living in wealthy, civilized countries to making fun of people who live in poor countries and have hard lives. True, this is mean. But it is also easy and fun. So here we go...
Europe Part III 12/18/00 Part 3 of 7 in this exciting travel series. While we were unfailingly polite and good-natured to the locals, the private thoughts in our heads were occasionally a bit tart. Those who are only happy when reading things about how perfect Europe is should look elsewhere for their travel porn.
Europe Part II 12/14/00 Part 2 of 7 of our travelogue. These missives are being made public in order to increase the knowledge, and thus the true wealth, of all humanity.
Europe Part I 12/05/00 Europe is a strange and backwards land. Fortunately, this makes it very easy to make fun of it. Recently, my radiant wife, Mariann, and I had the opportunity to spend 2.5 weeks in a whirlwind tour of France, Italy, and Hungary. During our journey, we sent intermittent dispatches back home. These messages will now be presented, both to provide humor and to give advice and warning to people planning to visit these bizarre lands.

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10/30/00 - We are live. Welcome to ironycentral.com. This is a small, cozy, mom and pop site, dedicated to providing pleasant humor-type content, on a regular basis, for free. Why? Well, the internet stock bubble has burst, web sites are dying left and right, and there is no hope of ever making any money doing anything like this. So, of course, we felt that this is the time to become primary content providers.

We are very smart people.

So drop by every week, and we will provide something funny and new. Since this is a web site, this roughly translates to “We’ll provide something new every week for three weeks. Then we will start to lose interest. And the time between updates will start to increase. Slowly at first, then faster, then faster, until it becomes clear that we really don’t give a shit anymore.”

So we’ll have fun while it lasts. Here is our inagural essay, designed to showcase the sensitivity and analytical thought which will be the hallmark of this web site.
Why the Homeless are Stupid

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