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My Special, Personal 9/11 Anniversary Itinerary

Today is the first anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist bombings. Since every channel on the TV is having constant coverage of the event (including, I swear to God, a local news report on how survivors have relieved their stress by going to a horse riding camp), I know that it is important.

Thus, I have carefully planned my itinerary of the day, so that not a single moment of significance is wasted.

9 AM: Wake up. Run to computer and check Department of Homeland Security web site to see what color of alert status is. If still orange, continue with planned day. If red, curl up under desk and await imminent incineration.

9:30 AM: Have same breakfast as I did one year ago: Chocolate Pop-Tart, toasted, with butter.

10-11 AM: Go to airport and spend an hour making sudden moves.

11 AM-noon: Go home and watch live TV coverage of Dick Cheney coming out of his hole. If he sees his shadow, we have three more months of Constitutional violations and fear-mongering.

12:30 PM: Commemorative lunch of a tuna fish sandwich and vodka.

1-2 PM: Go to City Hall and spend an hour forgetting duffel bags.

2-3 PM: Return to Airport. Sit by security checkpoint and play Asinine Waste Of Time Searching An Obvious Non-Terrorist Bingo. ("Old woman. Asian businessman. Woman with baby. Guy in wheelchair. Nun. Bingo!")

3-4 PM: Go to store and shop for 9/11 Anniversary gift for wife. I checked the Internet, and the traditional gift for a first 9/11 anniversary is paper.

4-5 PM: Spend quiet time meditating on my sacred freedoms, and how lucky I am to live in this great land based on openness and the rule of law for all non-Arabs.

5:30 PM: Commemorative dinner of Lunchables, rum, and another Lunchables.

6-7 PM: Wander around downtown, occasionally suddenly pointing into the air and screaming. Continue doing this until I am beaten to death.

7:30-8 PM: Die.

This is not an optimal plan, of course, because my early demise will prevent me from enjoying any of the "very special" TV shows in the evening. But, now that think about that, for missing any TV coverage of the day, death seems a small price to pay.

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