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Ejaculation Increase - A Scientific Analysis

Like most citizens of the Internet, I get numerous, unsolicited E-mail advertisements. As much I appreciate these anonymous entrepreneurs' efforts to sell me stock tips, porn, and the home phone number of Hanson, these ads tend to get deleted instantly. Except, of course, for the ones with porn attached.

Then, recently, I got a spam entitled "Pill to Increase Your Ejaculation By %581."

Wow. This one gave me pause. 581%. You might be thinking, "That sounds awfully precise." Why not 580%, or 600%? Why mention that extra one percent? Well, that may sound trivial, but that one percent can mean the difference between wall and ceiling, if you know what I'm saying.

But then I realized that I was making assumptions. Why would it be range that they increase by 581%? Why not volume? Or frequency? Or muzzle velocity? I thought that it might be noise. Maybe the pill would make my johnson sound like a squeak toy.

So, of course, I read the E-mail. It was enlightening. Sure enough, they were selling a "revolutionary herbal pill" which would enable me to "Shoot up to 13 feet." Wow.

Then this caught my eye: "This amazing new product works by simply taking 2 pills every day."

I know what you're thinking. Well, first you're thinking "What? Am I or the product taking the pills?" But set the horrible grammar aside. We're talking about science here.

What you are thinking is "2 pills"? Why two pills? Why not just make one pill which is twice as big? Is there someone who only wants to increase his ejaculation by 290.5%? Some modest fellow who only wants to shoot six and a half feet? Who wants to rip through the Kleenex, but not turn it into confetti? (If you know what I'm saying.)

Then I realized. Duh. Of course. One pill is the children's dose.

Well, anyway, it goes without saying that I ordered a bottle. But don't think for a moment that I am going to be satisfied with a mere 581%. Fuck that noise. Four pills means 1062%. Or why stop there? 2124%? 4248%? You'll only be able to stop my nards with kryptonite.

Listen. Did you near a noise? Like thunder? That rumbling, whooshing sound, echoing across the countryside, causing dogs to howl and maidens to cross their legs? Then the silence, the eerie feeling of anticipation? Then a sound like an AK-47 round going through 2 layers of particle board?

That would be me.

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