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Hockey and The Winter Olympics

by

Benjamin Massey

(Response from the Scorched Earth overlord follows.)

Hail Supreme Ruler Vogel! May your lead pipe be forever untarnished!

I feel morally obliged (okay... wrong term, since when did a Scorched Earth-er have morals?) to respond to your article on the Winter Olympics.

Your comment that any sport loved by Canadians must go. Unfortunately, one of our natural pastimes is, of course, hockey. I'm certain you know hockey. And I am therefore quite shocked by your statement.

The object of the game in hockey is to badly injure as many people as humanly possible in a sixty-minute time frame. The winner is technically the one who scores the most 'goals', but we all know what they _really_ mean.

To facilitate this objective, the players are fully equipped with a full set of body armor made from powerful materials, and a curved wooden/aluminum stick which looks suspiciously like the scythe of the Grim Reaper. This stick serves the twin purposes of firing a single black projectile (appropriately called the 'puck', a sound similar to that made by a player hit in the face with one) at speeds exceeding 100MPH at each other, and hitting their opponents and teammates over the head.

When hit over the head with a hockey stick, a player will fall over and bleed all over the hard surface they just ran into. The surviving combatant will then be escorted to a small plexiglass box for two minutes, at which point the other team will fire the black projectile at the opposing goalie as hard as they can.

Hockey also features fighting. Real, honest-to-god fighting, during which the two (or more) fighters throw down their gloves and start flailing haymakers at each other, the objective, again, being to injure their foe as much as humanly possible. The two fighters will then be sent to solitary confinement for five minutes, during which time they recuperate from their injuries, head back out and start killing people again.

There are many attacks in hockey. There is 'bodychecking' (an action in which you smash the opponents body with your own, into the nearly unbreakable plexiglass as hard as you can), 'cross-checking' (during which you grip your stick with both hands and thrust the long end of the shaft at your opponent's face/back of head). 'slashing' (a very popular trick in which you strike your opponent with the blade of your stick in a cool, smooth swing), and my personal favourite, 'spearing' (where you attempt to force-feed your opponent the butt end of your stick by ramming it down his throat as hard as possible).

And you want to get _rid_ of this? This is one of the world's few legal bloodsports, man! The Scorched Earth party should be feeding the fire of this game, by submitting our children to hours upon hours of rigorous skating drills and screamed verbal torment from the stands, honing our child into a fine machine of rage, so that at the age of eight they can start trying to kill each other for real. Canada does this. We call it 'player development'.

Plus, having a pro hockey player can be a great support in your old age.

- Benjamin Massey

 

Response from Jeff Vogel, presidential candidate of the Scorched Earth Party:

This is a pitiful time, a time of low standards, in which we eat processed cheese food instead of cheese, watch softcore on Cinemax instead of real porn, and watch hockey instead of demanding a real blood sport.

I recently sat down and watched all of an Olympic hockey game (U.S. vs. Russia, 2-2 tie, if you must know). Here are my observations:

i. Repeatedly, someone would barrel into someone from behind, smash them with their stick, and knock them over. At that point, the person knocked over would GET UP.

Smash someone from behind? They can still get up and keep playing.

Oooh. I'm sooo scared.

ii. Sure, those sticks look vicious. But, instead of swinging them at each other, they seemed to be spending all their time using them to hit some sort of black disk thingie.

iii. Getting rid of hockey would, and I can't stress enough how great this is, really hack off the Canadians.

The Canadians really cared who won the pair's figure skating. Canadians are SUCH a bunch of schoolgirls.

In sum, I think any loss of the violence in hockey would be made up for by following my advice and adding ice fencing.

This done, I would be free to concentrate on my new obsession: women's curling. I can't explain why I find it so compelling (it's playing on my TV right now). Especially considering that I think the main element of the American team's regimen is doughnuts.

But have you seen the Norwegian team's skip? She has this amazing repressed naughty librarian thing going. All I can say is that I have a pair of 42 pound stones she can slide around any time.

- Jeff Vogel


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