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The Struggle For Justice

My name is Jeff Vogel, and I am the presidential candidate of the Scorched Earth Party. For 12 years now, I have written passionately about how we as Americans should strive for justice. Or, at least, such justice as can be obtained through brief, concerted efforts of hideous, mind-bending violence.

Recently, however, I received an E-mail which made me question all of my values, all of which I hold true, all of the assumptions which hold together my spirit, nay, my very soul. This is the real, genuine E-mail. Unedited. I have only taken the liberty of removing the name of the author, due to possible impending legal action.

[Begin E-Mail]

President Vogel, I just thought you might find it humorous to know that I have been thrown out of school for offering a link to the Scorched Earth Party Homepage.

No warning, nothing. Just "Leave! You may have your hearing in ten days! Set not foot on campus, nor contact thine teachers!" I was escorted off campus by a Police officer, no less.

FWIW, I'm in contact with the ACLU, and I think I have a fairly strong case.

I just wish you had archived more of your Musings (I was a scorched earth junkie around 1995-97 while attending a different school).

I solemnly pledge that if I'm able to sue the fuckers for any money, 10% will go to worthy causes (Fresnell lenses, dry ice and two liter soda bottles, potato cannons etc.)

Whatever, thought you might get a laugh out of this poor fuckers plight.

- [Name Withheld]

[End E-mail]

Of all the post-Littleton hysteria bullshit.

Further correspondence revealed that this took place at a junior college. The fellow linked to my writings on a personal web page he was writing for a class assignment. I have since been informed that the promised review of the case was more of a laughable show trial than an honest, sane appraisal of the case. The expulsion stood.

When I found out about this, my first reaction was delight. When I first starting bringing the harsh fire of truth to the chilly, shivering, pap-sucking masses, I had no idea that my work would ever actually get someone expelled. I barely even dared to dream of it.

Furthermore, every leader of a cause dreams of the day when he will get his first martyr. Imagine my surprise and relief when I found that that martyr would not, in fact, be me.

However, at the same time, I was genuinely upset and disturbed. First, this poor, dumb bastard gets THROWN out of FUCKING SCHOOL for DARING to LINK to my crap. Not writing anything. Just a FUCKING WEB LINK. I mean, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?

Worse, though, was my grief for my country, the once-great U.S. of A. I mean, honestly. When did we all become such a bunch of whining, milk-fed pussies? We were great once! We beat the Germans in TWO big wars! We settled the frontier! We made a lot of steel! When did we get so baffled that we decided it was a good idea to launch witch-hunts against our smartest kids in futile, tragically misguided attempts to prevent crimes that, if they can be prevented, won't be prevented by this idiocy.

Now don't get me wrong. The official policy of the Scorched Earth Party is that school shootings are bad. But we don't think they're as bad as other people do. After all, I've never noticed that this country has a particular shortage of teenagers. But shooting teenagers is wrong. After all, if it happened too much, Britney Spears might never have lived to attain super-stardom, and my nights would be a lot longer and more agitated, if you get what I'm saying.

But this ridiculous hysteria? These Zero-Tolerance Zero- Intelligence Soul-Crushing Harass-the-Loner policies? Where did they come from?

My answer is that it all started to go downhill when we ran out of unsettled frontier, Nazis, and Communists. Once all of the threats were gone, we got pitiful, weak, and scared. I mean, in the good old days, when everyone was constantly threatened with getting their nubs chopped off by crazy Indians, there wasn't any of this crap. In olden days, people had conversations like this.

Person C: "Hey, didst thou hear what Person A said? He said that little Person B was saying violent and anti-social comments. Forsooth."

Person D: "Mine lamps and lights, Person C! Who giveth a crap! Hast thou seen all them Indians out there? They want to cut off our nubs!"

Person C: "Good point, Person D! When we hast slain all them thar' Indians, what say we press Person A to death with stones?"

Person D: "Huzzah!"

Much better. But what can we do today? The answer is, we need to find a new frontier. We need to find a savage, unsettled land, full of strange, hostile foreigners. Once we get some threats back into our lives, we can really regain a sense of proportion.

I suggest China. I say we declare them to be our western frontier and start sending over pilgrims. They'll be friendly to us at first, and we'll have a new Thanksgiving, this time replacing the turkey and pumpkin pie with thousand year eggs and shredded snake soup.

And then we start moving inland. The indigenous population won't like it a damn bit, of course, but as long as it distracts us from our problems, no worries. And this time around, settling the frontier will be a much more satisfying challenge. They already have booze, and they're used to the common cold. So let's lock, load, rock and roll.

Whatever we do, though, we must all band together and fight for freedom. We must struggle to protect all speech, even bizarre and deranged. Or, when it comes your time to howl lustily for the hot blood of complete strangers, there will be nobody left to speak for you.

Scorched Earth Party - "And next time, my martyr for the cause better at least finish up wounded. I mean, jesus christ."

-- Other inspirational writings of the Scorched Earth Party can be read at
Scorched Earth Party. Although you won't then link to the page. If you know what's good for you. --

- Jeff Vogel, Keeper of Avernum, Spiderweb Software, Inc.

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