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Internet Love Song

Soon, I will be emotionally shackled to a young, radiant woman in an ostensibly joyful and stress free ceremony. In between the addressing of invitations, agonizing over what to register for (first choice: viagra, second choice: crack), writing big deposit checks, and slugging down the lithium, I occasionally take a moment to feel some of the love which has suffused every cell of my being. To help focus on this, I have written this little love song for my betrothed.

I now share it with you, so that you may share it with one you love, and take the credit for writing it yourself. Fucker.

The song is written from the point of view of a man, addressing a woman. Thus, I will assume the person using this song is either a man or a particularly mannish lesbian.

The name of the Wife will be Mariann. If you use this love song yourself, be sure to substitute in the name of the woman you "love".

I do have music for it. I'll try to have a live webcast soon.

USENET Love Song

Oh, once I wandered all alone.
You thought to throw a dog a bone.
Today I am your greatest fan -
Why, I adore that Mariann!

I know I can be hard to like.
I have been told to take a hike.
You have brought big buckets of joy
To your big furry geeky boy.

(Chorus) Oh Mariann, Oh Mariann,
To me you are the mo-ost.
I sing my love to all Usenet.
Please respond to my post.

I'll bring you beer in frothy mugs,
and give you lots of happy hugs.
My little girl from Hung-ga-ree...
You make it not hurt when I pee.

Tonight I sit here in my shorts,
alone and with no nice escorts.
You lie asleep, and so I mourn.
I think I'll get some cyberporn.

(Chorus)

(Instrumental solo. I do a dance. After my triumphant Vogue/ Hand-Jive/Split combo, I continue.)

I do physics like Johnny Holmes.
I fuck like Stephen Hawking.
When I hide in bushes after three,
It's you I will be stalking.

In a few weeks we will be wed,
and I will do you 'til we're dead.
I'll shield you from the slightest pain.
So say the voices in my brain.

Oh Mariann, Oh Mariann,
To me you are the mo-ost.
I sing my love to all the Net.
Please respond to my post.
(Oh, yeah!)
Please respond to my post. (Ah! My lungs!)
Please respond to my post.
(Green warrior needs food, badly!)
Please respond to my poooooooooost!

So. How long until it becomes a standard?


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