Exciting New Products for the Working Mad Scientist
(Excerpted from Ye Mad Scientistes Gazeteer, Issue 91.
Reprinted with permission.)
Exciting New Products for the Working Mad Scientist
Gobulus Vogelius, Esq.
Sadly, for most of recorded history, Mad Science has been a solitary
art. Such valuable professional tools as networking and society brunches
were unheard of, and the closest thing one of our kind ever got to Peer
Review was when the mob of peasants came crashing through the castle gate.
But no longer! Now we are out in the open, public and proud, with colleges
and magazines to our name! And with this delightful higher profile has
come a new industry of products designed to satisfy our very particular
needs. Here are some of the more noteworthy of those products, all of
which will doubtless assist you in your quest to Show Them, Show Them
Finger Regrowth Kit
How often has this happened to you? You are visiting the lab of a colleague
and inspecting the creature he has just created. You reach out with
a finger to stroke its shiny, moist carapace, when its creator shouts
"No! Don't touch it!"
But the cry comes too late.
Well, now you can leave these embarrassing incidents in the past. Apply
one of these biologically active buds to your stump, and, within days,
that cruel nickname "Stubby" will be gone forever. Your new finger will
be fully functional, albeit a bit pale. Available in a variety of colors,
lengths, and species.
Fear Removal Spray
Nothing hinders ones safe interaction with an angry new creation more
than the recalcitrant fear of one's assistant. When I tell my servant
to "Go kick it in the pincer and see if it's alive," I'm just as likely
to get a terrified whimper as instant obedience.
Before, I was able to reduce fear with liberal application of rum.
Alas, this negatively impacted my assistant's ability to dodge. That
is why Fear Removal Spray is so marvelously useful. One use, applied
to the general mouth and nose area, and your experiments are back on
track towards their terrifying conclusion.
It happens too often. Your dimensional portal collapses, leaving nothing
but smoke and a pile of unidentified goo. You walk forward and, naturally,
prod the goo with your finger. The goo then enters through your skin,
travels through your lymphatic system to your head, and starts issuing
evil orders directly to your forebrain.
This all-too-frequent occurrence can be prevented with the simple use
of an inexpensive pair of silver tongs. One zlotny spent on tongs can
save ten zlotnies in finger regrowth buds.
In the end, there really is no point bringing a zombie back from the
dead if it ends up with the savage brain of "Pirate Captain Stan, the
Spine Eater." It's a messy situation all around.
Fortunately, Experimente Aids International has entered into exclusive
arrangements with a number of monasteries, nunneries, and day care centers
and has thus procured a steady supply of reliable, predictable brains
for your experiments. Of course, for the mad scientist of the old school,
brains of shut-ins, malcontents and psychotics are still available at
a considerable discount.
Premade Swarm of Evil, Radioactive Bees
Perfect for when you need to, on short notice, afflict someone with
a swarm of evil, radioactive bees.
It is well known that the greatest danger to the working mad scientist
is not mauling or explosion but the perils of ironic comeuppance. Decide
that you are more powerful than God and are destined to rule the world,
and, sure as Wednesday follows Tuesday, your doom is assured.
Thus, this series of posters, designed to maintain a constant and life-saving
level of humility. The presence of such slogans as "Remember thou art
mortal," and "If you love your giant mutant cockroach, set it free.
If it doesn't come back, it was never really yours." will help keep
you from digging too far into Secrets Man Was Not Meant to Know.
Secrets Man Was Not Meant to Know
Now available in a convenient monthly digest. Subscribe now and receive,
absolutely free and with no obligation, the helpful 300 page book "Surviving
the Secrets Man Was Not Meant to Know."
Crowd Dispersal Kit
In the past, mad scientists have attempted to deal with the inevitable
mobs of angry, torch-wielding villagers with kind words, careful explanations,
and the soothing balm of reason and rationality.
True, kind words have a small chance of turning aside a screaming,
scythe-wielding babushka, but the modern mad scientist places his faith
in the rational reliability of tear gas and rubber bullets. Sure, your
mountaintop fortress will still end up razed to the ground, but more
proactive crowd-dispersal techniques will give you the extra few minutes
you need to get your new creation safely into the sky/astral plane/water
Gigantic Rubber Squid
Sure, we all want a giant squid in the watery tunnels under our dark
fortress. There is no better way to dissuade a hero attempting to sneak
into your lair and derail your mad plans. However, giant squid are difficult
pets. They're tough to get, expensive to feed, and can be host to a
wide variety of unpleasant squid-based diseases and infections.
That is why the mad scientist on a budget will invest in Squid-Pro,
the most realistic giant squid modern technology can provide. Squid-Pro
comes with its own motor, which provides, a constant, threatening, jiggling
### Begin, More Adult Section
Mad science is a lonely avocation. Rarely do our constant labors afford
us time to get out and meet people of the desired gender. This can lead
to mental agitation, and, from there, to awkward and lethal mistakes.
Fortunately, in this enlightened age, Sex can be delivered to your door
with a simple, discreet phone call. Just one instance of Sex, taking
only a few minutes, will provide you with a richer and more rounded
worldview. Also, a working knowledge of Sex will be a huge help when
you're trying to construct a mate for your monster and are trying to
figure out what all of those confusing lower bits are for.
### End, More Adult Section
Like computer games? A great fantasy adventure awaits you here.