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Olympic Fever

It's official. I have Olympic Fever. I never watch any sports at any other time. But bring on amateurs doing weird sports in the land of Mormons? I can't look away.

Get Over It.

OK. We won a hockey game. Twenty years ago. Against the Russians. One game.

Get... the... fuck... over... it.

Do I believe in miracles? Yes. One day without some announcer getting breathless over that game? THAT would be a miracle.

And the U.S. Ties It!

As of this writing, the United States has surprised people by tying (at 6) for the most medals earned.

But three of those six medals are for men's snowboarding. Snowboarding. I am not sure those should count as full medals. Because...

Most Winter Olympics Sports Are Bogus

It is time for a massive sports purge in the Olympics. Here are my rules:

1. If it is done to the tune of classic oldies, it's not a sport. If you do it to the tune of Pink Floyd, it does not count. Snowboarding? Skating? You're outta' there.

2. If it can only be done with rocks specially mined in the hills of Scotland, it does not count. If it is played with BROOMS, it special double-secret doesn't count.

3. Anything that is supposedly a race but has cutesy little maneuvers for the judges in the middle of it? Gone. If you're going to race, damn it, race. Moguls? Gone.

4. Anything that has our team embarrassing themselves by wearing these ludicrous electric blue tights with spider webs on them? Gone, to prevent such a spectacle from ever happening. Sorry, skiing fans. I like skiing too. But such sacrifices must be made in the name of justice.

5. Any sport loved by Canadians. Suckers.

I am still working on rules to eliminate games. My goal is to be left with nothing but the biathlon. I won't mess with the biathlon. Those fuckers have guns, and they know how to shoot.

To make up for the loss, I will add a new sport. Skate Fencing. That would rule.

Biggest Upset So Far

I just watched the U.S. score a MAJOR upset over Sweden in Curling.

Yes! We schooled Sweden! Those pussies! Those mincing little schoolgirls! When that shot in the 7th inn left us with 4 stones in the house, I could hear a bunch of Swedes committing suicide much sooner than planned.

And yet that game did reinforce my belief that the Swedes are the sexiest people on earth. The Swedish curlers were pudgy, middle-aged, balding men, and I still wanted them.


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