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Pudknocker Farms

One of the most delightfully predictable things about Seattle in the summertime is the ads for the organic farms. They offer, for a considerable fee, a subscription to their crop. Then, every week, you are allowed to go to some depot and pick up a pile of fresh, organic, dirt-encrusted, fruit and vegetable goodies.

In practice, what this means is that you have to haul yourself to some parking lot somewhere, where a walking dirt clod with suspenders and two teeth slouches over and presents you with thirty pounds of beets.

In theory, though, it’s a gateway to a delightful, agrarian paradise, where nature becomes one with your Yuppie, flabby self. And their ads always play on this:


“Where fresh broccoli makes our souls sing with bliss.”

Situated on one lush acre out in the back of beyond, Crouching Willow Farms is the place where organic farmers make sweet love to the earth. We plant the seeds, use only the most ancient techniques to help the plants grow, harvest them with sickles, pick the bugs off, bring them to you, and put them in the back of your Range Rover. Join us, and find out how organic produce is only sort of overrated.

A sample basket for the month of June includes:

* 3 pounds of fresh kale

- What’s kale? It’s green! It didn’t kill us, and it won’t kill you!
* 4 grapes
- Four succulent, organic grapes. Eating them is like having your insides caressed by the Earth Mother Goddess Gaia herself.
* 2 strawberries
- You havenít lived until youíve tasted fresh strawberries, right of the green, bendy thing that sticks out of the ground. Weíll give you enough that youíll almost notice!
* 27 pounds turnips
- Everyone loves turnips! Theyíre delicious boiled, parboiled, steamed, or boiled. You can freeze what you donít use. Then, every time you open your freezer for the next five years, youíll go “Oh. Turnips.”
* One bunch flowers
-- Thatís right. Flowers. For the love of God, donít eat them!!!

And so on and so on. Different farms have different selections, but for every ounce of yummy fruit, youíll get a bushel basket of shit so weird they donít even like it in Asia.

And yet what makes me sad is that thereís a real missed opportunity here. What I want to see is a similar farm, but with a subscription to meat instead. Every week, you would get whatís currently dead! And, since itís a meat subscription, they can ditch all the flowery mother goddess crap.


“From our kill floor to your fat ass.”

Thatís right. At Pudknocker farms, we catch it, we kill it, we gut it, we bleed it, and we give it to you wrapped in white paper. And, if you want, weíll shoot it again before we hand it to you. We have animals in our barn and hate in our hearts! And we want to share both of those things with you!

A sample basket for the month of June includes:

* One Pound Filet Mignon

- Because there’s nothing better than a nice eight ounce filet mignon. If you’re a GIRL!
* Twelve Pounds Prime Sirloin
- That s right! Twelve pounds! Weíll cram so much meat in you youíll be whimpering like an immigrant girl on prom night!
* Two Pounds Scrapple
- Scrapple. The Meat of Kings. The third most disgusting thing the Amish eat.
* One Pound Tripe
- You got a problem with stomach lining? What are you? Some kind of pussy?
* Three Pound Mystery Grab Bag
- You wouldnít believe the stuff that accumulates around a packing house.
* One Pound Chicken Feet
- They eat it in China!
* Four MORE Pounds Prime Sirloin
- Come on! Take it all!
* One Cucumber
- Youíll have to jam it up your ass to hold all the meat in!

Thatís right. Here at Pudknocker Farms, we’ll give you so much meat you’ll run out of holes to put it in.

Pudknocker Farms - “Where the meat costs money, but the bitchslapping is free.”

Like computer games? A great fantasy adventure awaits you here.

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