Reaching the Americas:
One Mad Scientist's Approach
by
Professor Emeritus Jeff Vogel, PhD
Abstract: A variety of potential techniques for sending a person
to the Americas are given. Results of attempted use of these techniques
are described. Blame is assigned.
The question of how to send a person across the Atlantic Ocean to the
Americas in a content, sentient, whole state is a heavily discussed open
question in the contemporary literature. We have attempted to do so in
a variety of ways, with results of varying effectiveness and horror.
Methodology: The state allocated a pool of Convicts for our attempts.
Each convict was a male Caucasian weighing between 60 and 100 kg. Each
had a swarthy complexion, a beard, a foul disposition, and a gruff, pirate-like
voice. The Convicts were each offered a substantial reward if they made
the journey to the Americas successfully. Unwilling Convicts were heavily
sedated with Rum.
Attempt 1: Swallowed By Whale
Following long-established Biblical precedent, we believed that a Convict
might be able to successfully cross the ocean in the belly of a whale.
With some difficulty, we were able to convince a westward-bound whale
to swallow a Convict.
Result: Stomach acids dissolved Convict.
Estimated Chance of Technique Succeeding In Future: %0.000
Attempt 2: Swallowed By Whale, Revision 1
Exactly the same as previous technique, but this time we pumped the whale's
stomach first.
Result: Convict suffocated.
Estimated Chance of Success: %0.000
Attempt 3: Swallowed By Whale, Revision 2
Exactly the same as previous technique, but this time we gave the convict
scuba gear and a tank of oxygen.
Result: Whale swam off. Not seen again. We wish Convict the best
of luck.
Estimated Chance of Success: %0.003
Attempt 4: Dolphin Transport
We located a group of friendly dolphins and convinced them, with gifts
of fish, to drag Convict across to the Americas. Convict would cling to
dolphin's fin.
Result: Shortly after journey began, Convict was eaten by a whale.
Estimated Chance of Success: %0.000
Attempt 5: Catapult
We built a large catapult, pointed it west, and flung the convict towards
the Americas.
Result: Catapult was nowhere near powerful enough. Convict landed
in ocean, at which point h:e was eaten by a whale.
Estimated Chance of Success: %0.000
Attempt 6: Catapult, Revision 1
Following long calculations, we constructed a catapult powerful enough
to fling one of the lighter Convicts across the ocean to the Americas.
Result: Convict was flung with such force that air friction caused
him to burst into flames. Newly charred state increased air resistance.
Convict fell into ocean, where he was eaten by a whale.
Estimated Chance of Success: %0.002
It was clear at this point that the local whales had developed an unsavory
taste for human flesh. We were thus forced to devise more creative solutions
for attempting the crossing.
Attempt 7: Teleportation
Teleportation, in this case, would be the difficult technique of transporting
a Convict to the Americas by disintegrating him here and reintegrating
him there. With great expense, we constructed a teleportation device and
stuck a Convict inside.
Result: Convict did not so much "Disintegrate" as "Melt."
Estimated Chance of Success: %0.000
Attempt 8: Teleportation,Revision 1
With great difficulty and expense, we reworked our teleportation device.
Then, again with great difficulty and expense, we managed to get the Convict
to get inside.
Result: Convict disintegrated successfully. Reintegration, however,
turned out to be difficulty. Perhaps he reappeared safely on the other
side of the ocean. In an infinite universe, anything is possible.
Estimated Chance of Success: %0.002
Attempt 9:Carried By Birds
Convict was placed on a deck chair. One hundred pigeons were tied to deck
chair with long strings, so that they could carry it aloft.
Result: Pigeons lifted chair fifty feet in the air and attempted,
unsuccessfully, to fly in different directions. An hour later, they grew
fatigued, and the experiment ended very, very quickly.
Estimated Chance of Success: %0.000
Attempt 10: Carried By Birds, Revision 1
Control of one hundred pigeons being very difficult, we decided to instead
genetically engineer one very large bird of prey which could be more easily
steered. We tethered the resulting giant raptor to the deck chair with
the Convict.
Result: Convict eaten by bird.
Estimated Chance of Success: %0.000
Attempt 11: Carried By Birds, Revision 2
Exactly the same as previous attempt, but convict was covered with a thick,
very unappetizing sauce.
Result: Convict eaten by bird.
Estimated Chance of Success: %0.000
Attempt 12: Combination of Previous Techniques
Science has shown us that, if several techniques fail, a combination of
all of them has a much higher chance of succeeding. Therefore, we covered
a Convict with unappetizing sauce, gave him an aqualung, put him in the
belly of a stomach-pumped whale, tethered the whale to a half dozen giant
raptors, and fired the whole mess westward from an enormous catapult.
Result: Unrecorded, as our funding ran out just before the screaming
started.
Estimated Chance of Success: %0.005
Sadly, at this point, the combined lack of funding and Convicts brought
a sad end to our experiments.
Assignation of Blame for Failure: First, we blame the Atlantic
Ocean, for its size, its ferocity, and the uncooperative nature of its
whales. Second, we blame the laws of physics for being so cruel to the
elegant theories we devised. Finally, we blame our convicts for their
lack of faith in us and the experiments we used them in. Their bad attitudes
were very harmful to the morale of the good men and women who wanted only
to advance the cause of Science.
Conclusion: The problem of how to send someone to the Americas
is sadly, still open. Fortunately, we have a number of new ideas for how
the crossing might be completed, and we will begin to test them out as
soon as the next load of Convicts arrives.
Like computer games? A great fantasy adventure awaits you here.
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