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Scorched Earth Winter Games

by Peter Schuller

[Responses from Presidente For Life, Jeff Vogel, are included in brackets.]

Dear President Vogel,

I too obsessively followed the Winter Olympics, perhaps because I'm Canadian. Canadian law compels Canadians to watch anything with the word "Winter" in the title. Not that I give a shit about laws like the rest of this "nation of schoolgirls". I watch because I like it. It's great to see idealistic youth gather together from around the world to compete for nothing but the love of sport. However, knowing these young, firm, spandex clad, bodies are being exploited by a corrupt organization of old men who live like Kings off their cheap labour...well that just turns my pants into an indoor pole vault competition!

[I think that the news media pays insufficient attention to the exploitation, suffering, and pornographic value of the Olympics. Screw the "inspiration" and the "triumph". The Romans didn't go to gladiatorial bouts to watch people not die.]

There's a big debate over whether some Olympic events are real sports. Just because there isn't a North American professional league devoted to it doesn't mean it isn't a sport. Outcomes of real sports are decided by something measurable; time, distance, or an objective scoring system. The larger the role of an official in determining a winner, the less of a sport it is.

[I disagree. I only like sports where you can tell, with the naked eye, who has done well. There is no apparent visual difference between the first place and the ninth place luge dudes. Fuck that noise.]

Half-Pipe Snowboarding isn't a sport because judges decide who wins. Snowboard Slalom is because it's based on time. Hockey is a sport because the winner is decided by an objective standard (most goals) but because refs impact games (penalties) it's less of a sport than Curling. Moguls Freestyle is 25% of a sport because 25% of the score is based on time. Figure skating is in no way a sport. Figure skating is a soap opera on ice, complete with hokey music, over-the-top outfits and ridiculous plotlines. It's like wrestling, but for chicks.

[Sounds like it's combined two marvelous things: wrestling and chicks. Any suggestion that reduces the pornographic value of the Olympics is dubious, since, when it comes right down to it, there is nothing so beautiful, so life-affirming, so efficient in this lifetime than porn.]

[While the curling women are cute, they wear too much. While the skater chicks wear tight clothes, their freakish mondo-thighs scare me and make me feel all quivery in my intesticological region. But those skaters? Ahhhhh ...]

Once you weed out the phony sports, you can debate what sports are good enough to be Olympic events. It's a matter of personal taste. Me, I've fallen for Buzkashi (Qarajai style). Hairy men on horseback galloping across a desert, yelling, cursing, whipping each other and tossing the ass-end of a dead animal into a "basket". Now that's a sport I can get behind! It has more right to be in the Summer Olympics than Ballroom Dancing or Softball.

[Bushkazi is the most underrated sport on this planet. And, for the winter Olympics, I see no reason not to add ice bushkazi. The horses ride on a sheet of ice, and the players fight over a young, beheaded walrus.]

This got me thinking. What would these Winter Games look like under Scorched Earth Party rule? What if Jeff Vogel appointed me IOC President? Obviously, the first thing I'd do would be to execute all IOC members except the Canadian guy with the pornstar name, Dick Pound. I'd keep him around as my personal slave, just so I could say his name. "Bring me my lunch, Dick Pound." "Get me some beer, Dick Pound." "Let the female shotputter use her strap-on on you, Dick Pound."

[Dick Pound. Dick Pound. Dick Pound.]

After that, the next thing I'd do is ban helmets and all other protective equipment. Fucking pussies! Afraid of a little head injury? Besides, if you think a helmet is going to protect you in a 140Kmh crash, you already suffer from a head injury.

[If you aren't willing to smear a pint of blood on the ice to get your medal, maybe you should be competing in a dress.]

Next up, I'd ban drug bans. I don't care about performance enhancing drugs. I'm talking about the ban on life enhancing drugs. You know, the kind Canadian snowboarder Ross Rebegliatti got kicked out for in 1998. In my games, he could smoke as much weed as he liked. Let them all get as wasted as they want. In fact, I'd replace the Olympic Flame with a Cypress Hill sized joint and change the Olympic theme to "White Rabbit" by Jefferson Airplane.

[Disturbingly, I have read this as a SERIOUS suggestion. I think this would completely rule. I want to see weeks of gruesome competition between drug-addled, cyborg masses of muscle and vein.]

Here's how I'd improve some existing events.

SPEEDSKATING: Long Track - How cool would the Womens 1000M Speedskating On Acid be? Imagine Catriona Lemay-Doan curled up into a little ball screaming and flailing at penguins attacking her for running over their babies. When she finally makes it the homestretch, she'd find Chris Witty lying perfectly still to avoid being seen by the fire breathing dragon waiting for her at the finish line....And wouldn't the longer distance races be more interesting if all the competitors raced at once, but on a figure 8 track?

[Along those lines, I think PCP and ecstasy would lend themselves to amusing twists. Hey! Why not have the drug be randomly determined minutes before the match starts!]

Short track - People mistakenly call this "Roller Derby on ice". Yes, the skaters resemble jammers speeding around the track. But where are the blockers to knock them on their asses? My Short Track would be REAL Roller Derby on ice. Blockers and jammers would be smashing each other and racing for points. Apart from the ice, the only difference would be that all skaters will be little people. Midgets. Midgets on Crystal Meth. This will put back both the "short" into short track and the "speed" into speedskating.

[Short track skating is a joke. These ponces go fuck around on the ice for a few minutes, cross the finish line, and then the judge looks into a magic 8-ball and decides who wins. Why not just award a gold medal in "What number am I thinking of?"]

HOCKEY: Since this has become a source of party controversy, I'll drop the topic for now. But suffice it to say, I'd make a major change in the women's game. I'd allow full body contact. Lots and lots of full body contact...and plenty of hot oil. Two minutes for high sticking!

[Dick Pound. Dick Pound. Dick Pound.]

SLED SPORTS: Skeleton - What's more scary than zooming headfirst down a twisty course at 130Kmh on a cafeteria tray? Knowing that your ability to react has been decimated by a barbiturate cocktail. Pinks, Reds, Yellows and Blues. Did I mention the brick wall you have to dodge right after the finish? Skeletons indeed!

[And today's skeleton sledding will be on REAL SKELETONS. Oh, and (sound of dice rolling) crystal meth.]

Bobsled - Guys zooming down a banked track at high speeds reminds me of stockcar racing. The helmets and sleds also remind me of Medieval Knights on horseback. So why not combine the two? Make the track wide enough for 2-3 sleds. Send 5 down at the same time, give all the passengers maces and tell them to go for it.

[Or get rid of the sleds, and bring in the nudity and the hot oil.]

Pairs Luge - Unquestionably the most homo-erotic thing since Batman & Robin. After years of underground practice in isolated locations, groups of spandex clad men lie on each other for some high-impact male bonding. Have you seen the pelvic thrust starts? Why not go all the way? Trade the spandex for crotchless pantyhose and require full insertion from start to finish. Womens Luge can use strap-ons. Why have Single Luge when you can have Luge 69, Doggy Luge or even Triple Luge? Hey, whatever gets you through the night-run. Just don't forget in your orgasmic glee to dodge the brick wall at the finish.

[This sport is NASTY. If any sport ever begged to be coed, this does.]

[But when I take over, I'm going to lose all the lamest sports. Luge is SO gone.]

ALPINE SKIING: Downerhill Skiing - Lude & roofie filled skiers get pushed out of the starting gate and aimlessly go down the mountain. Eventually, they slam into trees, snap their spines in amusing high speed tumbles...or actually make it to the finish! The bonus points for staying on course are intended to get them to try. Watching people fail is more fun when they're really trying.

[I declare: nobody can compete in a ski jumping competition who has ever actually jumped before. The winner gets a huge cash prize in addition to the medal. The losers get my signature on their body casts.]

Hydrogen Hydroxide Slalom (Ski & Snowboard) - You remember our old friend Hydrogen Hydroxide? Well, slalom would be a lot more fun if a bowl of Hydrogen Hydroxide was strapped onto each competitor's head and a mercury thermometre stuck in their mouths.

[I declare that, next Winter Olympics, all competitions take place on DRY ICE.]

CURLING: The only way to make curling interesting is for everyone to be stoned. Yes, and the women have to go back to wearing Schoolgirl uniforms. I love the rocks some of these gals have and the way they scream like porno sluts. Oops, I think I just got a broomhandle in my pants!

[Sorry. Curling is cool. Once you have a masters in applied mathematics, and gain the ability to grasp how it is scored.]

NORDIC SKIING: Ski Jump - You've seen the K-120M competition. Impressive. But can you imagine how entertaining the Special K-120M competition would be? Get the jumpers strung out on XTC, STP, Special K and whatever else you'd find at a rave. Then put the competitors in superhero outfits with capes or strap butterfly wings onto them and send them down the ramp. No longer will judges be needed to subjectively score landings. The term "landing" will be subjective. Should any jumpers survive both runs, total distance determines the winner.

[And this would, of course, be sponsored by Acme.]

Cross Country - Cross country skiing events would take place as is, except skiers would be allowed to hit each other with their poles. Also, the course would be surrounded with electric fence and inhabited by a dozen starving wolves. Not only would it make those 30-50 Km events more interesting, you'd also see a noticeable improvement in times.

[Can't improve on this.]

Biathlon - President Vogel is right, Biathlon is a great sport. You've got to admire guys who'd ski 20Km just to shoot something. The only problem is the targets. Hitting 5 simple black dots just doesn't seem rewarding enough. I'd replace them with 5 babies strapped into place. I'd also increase the calibre of weapon so a direct hit will blow their adorable little heads right off. Imagine rows of infants having their heads explode like Louis Del Grande's did in David Cronenberg's "Scanners". Yes, that would do nicely.

[Three problems. First, the babies would freeze solid too quickly. Second, this is a waste of valuable babies which could provide the core of my Clone Army. Third, babies are cuuuuute.]

[Instead, the targets will be placed on the sides of massive, trained, starving wolves. Hitting the target is strongly recommended.]

FIGURE SKATING: I toyed with the idea of making everyone compete in Barney Suits. But I realized, as fun as it would be, it still wouldn't be a real sport. Sadly, that meant saying goodbye to these scantily clad, teenage girls. Cute, little...just like baby seals...Tonya Harding! Suddenly, Figure Skating became a sport.

Two teams of 15 girls have their arms tied behind their backs and their legs bound. Each team spreads out across a blueline, lying on their stomachs. They can only move by flopping around on the ice like baby seals. White leather tops and shorts complete the illusion. The first "Seal" to cross the other team's blueline wins it for her team. Here's the catch, each team also has a "Tonya", armed with a lead pipe. The Tonyas skate back and forth clubbing the other team's Seals to stop them from crossing the line. Should neither team get a Seal across the line, the two Tonyas square off to determine the winner. The game MVP -the game winning Seal or victorious Tanya- spends the night in my hotel room getting introduced to my personal club. I'm cheering for the aptly named Irina Slutskaya.

[I love those little ice pixies. They're so cuuuuute,]

In conclusion, our revamped Olympics is further incentive to join the Scorched Earth Party Revolution. Hercules had nothing on you, President Vogel.

[Violence, mind-altering substances, nudity, and cash prizes as an incentive. It'll be like ancient Rome, but with more triumph of the human spirit.]

Faster, Higher, Stronger...but mostly higher,

Peter Schuller

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