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Funny hats, funny cars, dire threats

Dear Mr. Vogel,

I am a devoted member of the Scorched Earth party, but am rather disappointed with you. It seems you have overlooked an obvious target for violence that would seem to present itself as a clear opportunity. This target, of course, is the seething heart of two major barriers to violent, heart-warming, pipe-wielding revolution. The first of these barriers: Nuns.

Nuns are, essentially, women who have not only removed themselves from the active vagina pool, but are also rather dour, scowling, and, once they age, scary and bitter. Priests I have no problem with, nor will any rational man, as priests are basically improving your chances with women, by taking themselves out of the bachelor pool. But I'm getting off topic. The second barrier is that pesky old Judeo-Christian ethic, which seems to hold in stern disapproval promiscuous sex, self-indulgence, and violence. The target is, of course, Vatican City.

Now, the weak-hearted amongst us might ask, why must we attack a city of elderly men? Would not intimidation, and perhaps the threat of stealing those pointy hats, work as well? The answer might be yes, but regardless, it is indisputably more entertaining to play whack-a-mole with God's pool boys.

As an added bonus, as most priests, cardinals, and bishops are old, there is little wasted energy in chasing them. Also, what would make a better carriage for a new Earth emperor than the Pope-mobile itself? Imagine, Mr. Vogel, yourself in the Pope's place, but instead of waving politely to the masses, you could be pointing at potential targets for legions of dedicated pipe-wielders to assault. Also, St. Peter's cathedral could be, quite easily, converted into a bunker/missile silo, for when the inevitable happens.

For all these reasons, and many more that you will, without a doubt find for yourself, this entire "piety" situation should be rectified.

I hope you will see your way clear to obviating this oversight.



Thank you very much for your thoughtful insights.

At this point, as anyone who watches movie previews can tell you, nuns are one of the three sides of the Rosetta stone of contemporary American comedy. The other three sides are dogs doing funny things, wacky, non-threatening black guys, and guys getting hit in the nuts. Thus, we can't be with you on the nun thing.

Vatican City, on the other hand, is expendable in the extreme. I long for the day when I can take 2 millennia of carefully hoarded Catholic treasures and hawk them on EBay.

(Note that, by the analysis above, the upcoming film Snow Dogs, starring Cuba Gooding, Jr., will be the most fan-fucking-tastic movie ever. Thinking about it makes me tingly.)

-Jeff Vogel

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