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Voting: Why it Sucks

We are all pretty much agreed, of course, that voting in elections is pretty much a big, fat waste of time, the purview of losers, busybodies, and squares. Fair enough. But what we really haven't given as much thought to is exactly WHY voting is such an inane and worthless activity, and, what's more, what we can do to improve the situation.

Mmmmm. I can hear that soft, rhythmic squeaking sound. It's the sounds of assholes tightening and puckering all over this great land of yours. Voting? Dumb? How could this be? Why, if you don't vote, you don't have the right to complain!

Sit down, Poindexter. Complaining is our oldest, most cherished right, and can't be stripped away simply by an action as simple and sensible as staying home on voting day. And, for that matter, don't tell me that every vote counts. Sure. And the Tooth Fairy exists, Robert Fulghum is profound, and Jackie Chan movies are good.

No, there are two sorts of elections. There are the big elections people care about. Presidents. Senators. Medical Marijuana. And, let's face facts, the sun will do the big firework before one vote matters in one of those. And the smaller elections? The ones where one vote might possibly make a difference? The elections for head PTA spittoon cleaner? Dog catcher? Chief administrative wanker? C'mon. Who, apart from the most empty-lived chickenshit, actually knows what's going on in all those piddly little elections.

Admit it. You do what I do. You vote for all the Donkeys. Or all the Elephants. Or all the women. Or all the Irish. Or anyone whose name comes closest to giving you a chubby.

But this is all old news. All of this has been said before. But here's something else for you to ponder.

Consider polls. Say, a poll to determine who people will vote for for president. Anyone with even a sketchy knowledge of statistics knows that if you have a sample size of 10000, your result will almost undoubtedly be very accurate. 50000? Even more so. %10 of the population? Over 25 million people? Well hell, the universe will end before you'll get the wrong answer with a poll that size.

But waitaminute! Just think of an election as a big poll, and you'll see how grotesquely excessive the number of people who vote is! %40 of the people vote in an election? Well, boo hoo, complainer-boy! You've just gotten an incredibly accurate sample! Quitcher' bitchin', butter-cup.

As far as I am concerned, any time more than %10 of the population votes, it's just gravy. It's sheer wastefulness. And a waste of paper as well!

So, how do we prevent all of this inefficiency and still keep this great, blowjob-fueled Republic running smoothly? Simple. Every election, have a lottery. Pick a number from 0 to 9. Everyone who has social security whose last digit matches that number HAS to vote. Everyone else gets to stay home, kick back, and stuff their pie holes.

But wait, you ask. HAS to vote? How do you get that to work? Simple! Anyone who doesn't vote is visited the next day and given a sharp, painful jolt with a cattle prod. Just a little spanking for someone who was a bit naughty. Not a big issue.

You may not realize what a beautiful and elegant solution this is. For example, the old people, who would be the most likely to be permanently hurt by the prod, are the ones whose lives have become so empty that they're the most likely to vote! Self-correcting problem!

And the Republicans will be mad that a large percentage of the poor will be voting under the new system. Not a problem. The poor still won't vote much. They won't be afraid of the cattle prod, because those people don't really feel pain anyway.

And, finally, remember this. In this new system, less people will vote. This is good. After all, people are morons. Only a few of them are smart, and even those people are usually fuckheads. Smart people are just as likely to bomb Cambodia or like Ayn Rand as to do anything sensible. As far as I'm concerned, the less people voicing their opinions, making themselves be heard, the better. In the current situation, the best-case scenario is for people to not mistake their ballot for food.

Plus, in my future, no more annoying MTV Rock the Vote campaigns. This alone should be enough to earn your fanatical support.

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