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The Story About the Baby


No plan survives first contact with the enemy. - Helmuth von Moltke

On January 18, 2002, Cordelia Krizsan Vogel was born. I gave her half of her genetic material. At that point, I began this inspiring journal, so that I could communicate to all my joy. Read on and find out what it is like caring for a new, impressionable, highly dopey human life if you are, well, me.

The Articles

Week 1 - The Unbearable Grossness of Being
Week 2 - Who Gets My Things When I Die?
Week 3 - I’ll Happily Lose the War If I Could Just Get One Victory
Week 4 - Don’t Worry. Their Legs Always Fall Off. Nothing to Worry About
Week 5 - OK. If I Don’t Hear A Clear Breath, I’m Only Going To Stand Here Ten More Minutes
Week 6 - Yet Another Way I Fucked Up My Kid
Week 7 - Dawn of the Neglectomatic
Week 8 - I’ll Dress Her In Chain Mail, As Long As It’s Free
Week 9 - Now Baby Must Be Stuck With Needles
Week 10 - Baby’s Life Among the Geeks
Week 11 - “Look, Honey! Her Fontanel Is Throbbing.”
Week 12 - It’s the Casual Sadism That Makes Life Worthwhile
Week 13 - Drool Is Like Diamonds
Week 14 - My Daughter, the Evil Temptress
Week 15 - Three Days of Undaddy
Week 16 - The Amazing Rotatable Baby
Week 17 - “Hey, little girl! This is what Mild Discomfort feels like!”
Week 18 - Our Baby Could Kick Your Baby’s Ass
Week 19 - Intentionally Starving My Child For My Wife’s Benefit
Week 20 - Reverse Colic
Week 21 - Her Brain Outweighs Her Body
Week 22 - Food Cramming!
Week 23 - The Angel Slides Smoothly Off Into Sleepy Time Ecstasy
Week 24 - “Could I have some explosives to set off near my child?”
Week 25 - The Smile Is Not Happiness
Week 26 - Horrible, Horrible Disaster Daddy
Week 27 - The Thirty Year Rule
Week 28 - Stuck With Pacifiers For Good
Week 29 - Progressing From Limpet To Turtle
Week 30 - “But I hate people who bring kids to restaurants. And I hate you!”
Week 31 - Our Child Has Become Emotionally Dependent On Us
Week 32 - How To Bathe a Baby
Week 33 - “We Wuv Our Widdle Baby Scabby-Face”
Week 34 - Trust, Once Lost, Can Never Be Regained
Week 35 - Horrifying Introduction To Children’s TV
Week 36 - More Thoughts On the Merciful Glories Of Television
Week 37 - Chicken Soup For the Lost Soul
Week 38 - Cordelia and Daddy Versus the Hippies
Week 39 - Get Her Happy. But Not Too Happy
Week 40 - “Just because she’s helpless, doesn’t mean she’s harmless.”
Week 41 - “Awww! She Gave You a Love! I’ll Call 911.”
Week 42 -

The Horrific Torment That Is Daddy

Week 43 -

Jam Fleshy Tab A Into Canvas Slot B

Week 44 - The Use Of Skinnerian Conditioning To Mold My Child’s Brain
Week 45 -

“Mom! Daddy Is Entrapping Me!”

Week 46 - Scientifically Measuring Exactly How Irritating Your Child Is
Week 47 - The Proper Way To Drop the Baby
Week 48 - Learning To Shut My Big, Fat Mouth
Week 49 - Cordelia’s First Christmas. Aww.
Week 50 - Each Baby Is Irritating In Its Own Special Way
Week 51 - Teaching Children Wisdom Is Stupid
Week 52 - Having Struggled Desperately To Reach One End, Are We Stupid Enough To Want Another Beginning?
Epilogue - The Three Main Reasons Being A Parent Sucks.

 


Supplemental Material

Pictures of Cordelia at 6 to 12 Months For fans of the baby and toddler journals, here, as some have requested, are a number of other pictures of the baby. This will make our nightmarish adventures much easier to picture in your brains.

Pictures of Cordelia at 9 Months For loyal fans of our baby’s adventures, here are more photos. Warning: May contain mild amounts of humor. Very mild.

Pictures of Cordelia at 6 and 7 Months (More alert, more cute, more poo)

Pictures of Cordelia at 5 Months

Early Pictures of Cordelia (Warning, only people with strong stomachs need apply.)

Setting Up the Bassinet


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