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The Story About the Baby
No plan survives first contact with the enemy. - Helmuth von Moltke
On January 18, 2002, Cordelia Krizsan Vogel was born. I gave her half
of her genetic material. At that point, I began this inspiring journal,
so that I could communicate to all my joy. Read on and find out what it
is like caring for a new, impressionable, highly dopey human life if you
are, well, me.
The Articles
| Week 1 - |
The
Unbearable Grossness of Being |
| Week 2 - |
Who
Gets My Things When I Die? |
| Week 3 - |
I’ll
Happily Lose the War If I Could Just Get One Victory |
| Week 4 - |
Don’t
Worry. Their Legs Always Fall Off. Nothing to Worry About |
| Week 5 - |
OK.
If I Don’t Hear A Clear Breath, I’m Only Going To Stand
Here Ten More Minutes |
| Week 6 - |
Yet Another Way I Fucked Up My Kid |
| Week 7 - |
Dawn of the Neglectomatic |
| Week 8 - |
I’ll Dress Her In Chain Mail, As Long As It’s Free |
| Week 9 - |
Now Baby Must Be Stuck With Needles |
| Week 10 - |
Baby’s Life Among the Geeks |
| Week 11 - |
“Look, Honey! Her Fontanel Is Throbbing.” |
| Week 12 - |
It’s the Casual Sadism That Makes Life Worthwhile |
| Week 13 - |
Drool Is Like Diamonds |
| Week 14 - |
My Daughter, the Evil Temptress |
| Week 15 - |
Three Days of Undaddy |
| Week 16 - |
The Amazing Rotatable Baby |
| Week 17 - |
“Hey, little girl! This is what Mild Discomfort feels like!” |
| Week 18 - |
Our Baby Could Kick Your Baby’s Ass |
| Week 19 - |
Intentionally Starving My Child For My Wife’s Benefit |
| Week 20 - |
Reverse Colic |
| Week 21 - |
Her Brain Outweighs Her Body |
| Week 22 - |
Food Cramming! |
| Week 23 - |
The Angel Slides Smoothly Off Into Sleepy Time Ecstasy |
| Week 24 - |
“Could I have some explosives to set off near my child?” |
| Week 25 - |
The Smile Is Not Happiness |
| Week 26 - |
Horrible, Horrible Disaster Daddy |
| Week 27 - |
The Thirty Year Rule |
| Week 28 - |
Stuck With Pacifiers For Good |
| Week 29 - |
Progressing From Limpet To Turtle |
| Week 30 - |
“But I hate people who bring kids to restaurants. And I hate you!” |
| Week 31 - |
Our Child Has Become Emotionally Dependent On Us |
| Week 32 - |
How To Bathe a Baby |
| Week 33 - |
“We Wuv Our Widdle Baby Scabby-Face” |
| Week 34 - |
Trust, Once Lost, Can Never Be Regained |
| Week 35 - |
Horrifying Introduction To Children’s TV |
| Week 36 - |
More Thoughts On the Merciful Glories Of Television |
| Week 37 - |
Chicken Soup For the Lost Soul |
| Week 38 - |
Cordelia and Daddy Versus the Hippies |
| Week 39 - |
Get Her Happy. But Not Too Happy |
| Week 40 - |
“Just because she’s helpless, doesn’t mean she’s harmless.” |
| Week 41 - |
“Awww! She Gave You a Love! I’ll Call 911.” |
| Week 42 - |
The Horrific Torment That Is Daddy |
| Week 43 - |
Jam Fleshy Tab A Into Canvas Slot B |
| Week 44 - |
The Use Of Skinnerian Conditioning To Mold My Child’s Brain |
| Week 45 - |
“Mom! Daddy Is Entrapping Me!” |
| Week 46 - |
Scientifically Measuring Exactly How Irritating Your Child Is |
| Week 47 - |
The Proper Way To Drop the Baby |
| Week 48 - |
Learning To Shut My Big, Fat Mouth |
| Week 49 - |
Cordelia’s First Christmas. Aww. |
| Week 50 - |
Each Baby Is Irritating In Its Own Special Way |
| Week 51 - |
Teaching Children Wisdom Is Stupid |
| Week 52 - |
Having Struggled Desperately To Reach One End, Are We Stupid Enough To Want Another Beginning? |
| Epilogue - |
The Three Main Reasons Being A Parent Sucks. |
Supplemental Material
Pictures of Cordelia
at 6 to 12 Months For fans of the baby and toddler journals, here,
as some have requested, are a number of other pictures of the baby. This
will make our nightmarish adventures much easier to picture in your brains.
Pictures of Cordelia
at 9 Months For loyal fans of our baby’s adventures, here are
more photos. Warning: May contain mild amounts of humor. Very mild.
Pictures of Cordelia
at 6 and 7 Months (More alert, more cute, more poo)
Pictures of Cordelia
at 5 Months
Early Pictures of Cordelia
(Warning, only people with strong stomachs need apply.)
Setting
Up the Bassinet
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