Why "Lord of the Rings" Kicks Infinitely
More Ass Than "Harry Potter"
Rowling v. Tolkien
by
Amanda the Great
[I have added my comments in brackets - J. Vogel, Esq.]
It was evident which two movies were the major box-office hits this last
holiday season. To the trained connoisseur, it was painfully obvious which
was the better film. Yet Harry Potter has, thus far, been making more
money.
[The Harry Potter movie was so fucking long, I'm still watching it.
I think I'd better start watching the film version of the fourth book
right now, so that I can be over by the time it comes out.]
There is no good reason for this.
Compare the two. Harry Potter is a young wizard who goes to a fun school
where he has many interesting adventures.
[Harry Potter is a young jock who is allowed to break the rules and get
away with murder because he is good at sports. Just a little aside.]
Frodo Baggins is a midget with hairy feet who goes out with his pals
and kills things.
[Frodo couldn't kill a mouse with a bludgeon. Elijah Wood, my ass.]
Harry faces creatures such as a big, goofy troll, a sleeping dog, and
a face on the back of someone's head. Frodo faces slavering orcs, a gigantic,
fiery demon, and a nasty cave troll that basically refused to die. Harry's
most grievous wound was a couple of face scrapes from flying around with
keys. Frodo nearly got killed by a horrible, dark, poison stab in the
shoulder. Harry almost fell off a broomstick while playing Quidditch.
Frodo almost fell off some precarious stone steps into a bottomless pit
.Think of how both movies end. Harry Potter ends an exciting year at
Hogwarts by defeating the dude who killed his parents and, for no particular
reason, winning the House Cup for Gryffindor, thus becoming more popular
with his peers. He vanquished Voldemort because of the bond of love he
had with his mother, who gave her life that he might live. How perfectly
Disney.
[This part is weak, of course, but think about it. If a kid's mother
sacrificed her life for him, he is immune to evildoers. I have the perfect
idea for an army of invincible children to take Voldemort down. All it
needs is a certain number of sufficiently weak-willed mothers...]
At the end of Fellowship, Merry and Pippin are captives of Sauron and
his slobbering minions, and Frodo is separated from nearly all his company
and headed into the den of evil.
Come ON, people. Would you rather watch junior wizards trying to levitate
feathers, or two fully-grown wizards duking it out at the top of a tall
tower surrounded by orcs and sharp pointy bits of iron? Possibility of
sudden death, NO possibility of sudden death.
[Well, to be perfectly honest, I'd rather watch grainy video of cheerleaders
being introduced to lesbianism. FYI.]
Compare the villains, then. Sauron had thousands upon thousands of minions.
Did Voldemort have minions? He had one guy helping him, and you cannot
have just one minion. Big evil nasties need minions. This is a fact of
life.
And don't get me started on the acting. On the one hand, you've got Elijah
Wood pale, sweaty, and screaming because of a near-fatal wound. Then you've
got "Ow, my scar."
[Agreed. They're both pussies.]
So why is Harry Potter the higher grossing movie?
[Whether this will always be so is, at this point, arguable.]
Probably because J.K. Rowling (after stealing the initials-only idea
from J.R.R.) is still alive and making money. If Tolkien were alive and
selling out, sure Fellowship would be cashing in. Do you see Fellowship
Lego sets? Of course not. I think Gandalf as a little yellow smiley guy
would make me cry. Anyway, people go to see movies they've got the merchandise
for. And they buy merchandise for whiny children. Whiny children do what
the TV tells them. This has the potential to be a good thing, but the
power is currently being misused.
Our nation has deteriorated to the point where we cannot recognize genius
when we see it. This is a sad state of affairs. Which is why we all need
to pledge our undying support to the Scorched Earth Party; Jeff will repair
what ails our nation. Lead pipes are the only thing that can save us now.
[I'm not sure I can condone violence against the Harry Potter people,
not just yet. I think that Hermione chick is going to turn out to be hot.]
-Amanda Casperson, loyal devotee of the Scorched Earth Party
Like computer games? A great fantasy adventure awaits you here.
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