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Why "Lord of the Rings" Kicks Infinitely
More Ass Than "Harry Potter"
Rowling v. Tolkien

by

Amanda the Great

[I have added my comments in brackets - J. Vogel, Esq.]

It was evident which two movies were the major box-office hits this last holiday season. To the trained connoisseur, it was painfully obvious which was the better film. Yet Harry Potter has, thus far, been making more money.

[The Harry Potter movie was so fucking long, I'm still watching it. I think I'd better start watching the film version of the fourth book right now, so that I can be over by the time it comes out.]

There is no good reason for this.

Compare the two. Harry Potter is a young wizard who goes to a fun school where he has many interesting adventures.

[Harry Potter is a young jock who is allowed to break the rules and get away with murder because he is good at sports. Just a little aside.]

Frodo Baggins is a midget with hairy feet who goes out with his pals and kills things.

[Frodo couldn't kill a mouse with a bludgeon. Elijah Wood, my ass.]

Harry faces creatures such as a big, goofy troll, a sleeping dog, and a face on the back of someone's head. Frodo faces slavering orcs, a gigantic, fiery demon, and a nasty cave troll that basically refused to die. Harry's most grievous wound was a couple of face scrapes from flying around with keys. Frodo nearly got killed by a horrible, dark, poison stab in the shoulder. Harry almost fell off a broomstick while playing Quidditch. Frodo almost fell off some precarious stone steps into a bottomless pit

.Think of how both movies end. Harry Potter ends an exciting year at Hogwarts by defeating the dude who killed his parents and, for no particular reason, winning the House Cup for Gryffindor, thus becoming more popular with his peers. He vanquished Voldemort because of the bond of love he had with his mother, who gave her life that he might live. How perfectly Disney.

[This part is weak, of course, but think about it. If a kid's mother sacrificed her life for him, he is immune to evildoers. I have the perfect idea for an army of invincible children to take Voldemort down. All it needs is a certain number of sufficiently weak-willed mothers...]

At the end of Fellowship, Merry and Pippin are captives of Sauron and his slobbering minions, and Frodo is separated from nearly all his company and headed into the den of evil.

Come ON, people. Would you rather watch junior wizards trying to levitate feathers, or two fully-grown wizards duking it out at the top of a tall tower surrounded by orcs and sharp pointy bits of iron? Possibility of sudden death, NO possibility of sudden death.

[Well, to be perfectly honest, I'd rather watch grainy video of cheerleaders being introduced to lesbianism. FYI.]

Compare the villains, then. Sauron had thousands upon thousands of minions. Did Voldemort have minions? He had one guy helping him, and you cannot have just one minion. Big evil nasties need minions. This is a fact of life.

And don't get me started on the acting. On the one hand, you've got Elijah Wood pale, sweaty, and screaming because of a near-fatal wound. Then you've got "Ow, my scar."

[Agreed. They're both pussies.]

So why is Harry Potter the higher grossing movie?

[Whether this will always be so is, at this point, arguable.]

Probably because J.K. Rowling (after stealing the initials-only idea from J.R.R.) is still alive and making money. If Tolkien were alive and selling out, sure Fellowship would be cashing in. Do you see Fellowship Lego sets? Of course not. I think Gandalf as a little yellow smiley guy would make me cry. Anyway, people go to see movies they've got the merchandise for. And they buy merchandise for whiny children. Whiny children do what the TV tells them. This has the potential to be a good thing, but the power is currently being misused.

Our nation has deteriorated to the point where we cannot recognize genius when we see it. This is a sad state of affairs. Which is why we all need to pledge our undying support to the Scorched Earth Party; Jeff will repair what ails our nation. Lead pipes are the only thing that can save us now.

[I'm not sure I can condone violence against the Harry Potter people, not just yet. I think that Hermione chick is going to turn out to be hot.]

-Amanda Casperson, loyal devotee of the Scorched Earth Party

 


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