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SEP: A modest proposition.

by

Voltaire

In the course of my prodigious quest for world domination, never have I encountered as hopeful a candidate as the Scorched Earth Party. The things I have read here today have given my journey new life and, indeed, a little hope. Hope that someday, somehow, "President" Bush will be struck heartily upon the testicles- Hope that eventually, the Olson twins will be reduced to selling themselves to pay for crack- Hope that people with names like "Gideon Yago" will find themselves in a bloody heap, wondering why they failed to change their names far, far sooner. Yes, Jeff, you bring me hope. It is your unique vision- the kind which sends shivers down my spine, and touches me in places I'm not comfortable touching myself, that so draws me to the Scorched Earth Party. Should you have me, I will hold my lead pipe (named Tim) high, proud, and glistening with the blood of a thousand morons, and support the movement in any way necessary. This I pledge, and though my word means about as little to me as it does to anyone I've given it to, I hope my sheer enthusiasm will drown out any doubts you may have.

As a token of my loyalty, I offer you an integral piece of my Plan For World Domination to do with as you see fit-

-Operation Impotent Rage-

Phase one-

Secure large stores of technology, clearly the most important resource on the planet. Reports indicate that large deposits may be found in such places as NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory, Japan, Space, and The Mystical Techno-Castle of Tobor the Robo-bot. Once secured, our supplies of technology will enable us to construct Giant Fighting Robots, in addition to laser guns and spaceships.

Phase two-

Gain ethnicity. Once a person of eth, our figurehead will be nearly immune to political slander, capable of entering into fits of ethnic defensiveness during which any accusation or criticism may be effectively shirked.

Phase three-

Eat a sandwich. They are tasty.

Phase four-

Play video montage of rise to power. This will speed the normally time consuming process of overthrowing the government and replacing it with your own to a matter of minutes.

Phase five-

Convince Canada it would be better off with us. Failing that, nuke them. Nuke Mexico regardless.

Phase six-

(and here is where it really begins)-

Invade France. Not that France is a particularly desirable commodity, rather it is a key component in the construction of the ultimate weapon- the Zeppelin the Size of France.

Phase seven-

Construct the ZTSOF, ensuring to include innumerable laser turrets and docking bays from which to launch our Giant Fighting Robots piloted by Asian Ninja Babe Assassins. Critical as well is the inclusion of the Giant Hook Chains for Lifting and Dragging Territory of Choice. These will be key for phase eight.

Phase eight-

By now, our vast stores of technology should be all but depleted. Using our new ZTSOF, it is time to make some key adjustments to our homeland. The state of California will be removed and delivered to the Middle East, and replaced with Japan, which is cooler, and, more importantly, possesses technology, as well as ninjas. In addition, we will remove Texas, Louisiana, Alabama, and Mississippi, placing them somewhere out of the way. We will maintain sovereignty over these states, but they will be given a single electoral vote amongst them. The geographical isolation is simply for effect.

Phase nine-

Issue an official "Who Wants Some?" notice to the nations of the world, who have previously been docile and unoffended by our outright assaults on other nations, by virtue of our leader's overwhelming abundance of ethnicity.

Phase ten-

Make a cool video-game interface for the battles to come, as to thusly amplify the immense enjoyment received from forcefully assuming control of a planet.

Appoint a Chief Tactitionist, as well as a Supervising Master of the Custodial Arts.

Phase eleven-

Once the game ends, and the world is ours, control will be maintained through a combination of brute military force, and weekly gladiatorial events. Threats to our culture or government, such as menacing, androgynous dinosaurs of dubious origin and coloration will be nullified in a manner coinciding with the whims of the leader, which will undoubtedly happen to be, on occasion, Death by Lead Pipe.

Not only will these "nullifications" serve to eliminate dangerous influences and irritants from our society, they will also aid in the appeasement of a populace which may otherwise grow resentful of our spunky little dictatorship.

Phase twelve-

Create an order of Jedi Knights, not to help preserve peace or justice or anything, but to simply kick a lot of ass. Hopefully this step will generate a certain Yoda, at which point we will be allowed to do the ever-so-longed-for "Happy Yoda Dance."

Should Yoda fail to spontaneously appear, we will be required to wait for Jesus Holy Christ to descend from the proverbial heavens, so that we may then enjoy the slightly less longed for "Happy Holy Jesus Dance"

As a cautionary note, do not be too nice to Jesus, as his older, underrated brother Moses is quite prone to unleashing terrible afflictions upon civilizations when he is feeling bitter.

Phase thirteen (Final Phase)-

Eat another sandwich. They are *very* tasty.

 


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