The Pursuit of Happiness - Scorched Earth Style
By Benjamin Massey
(Canadian Scorched Earther)
Recently, there have been several books/articles/magazines/pieces of
toilet paper which have been written by an assortment of morons regarding
happiness, and how to attain it.
Now, I want to be happy. You want to be happy. Every organism on Earth
wants to be happy, with the possible exception of masochists and K-12
teachers. As such, we may or may not read a few of these manuscripts,
in hopes of becoming happy ourselves. But, there's one basic problem with
these texts.
They're written by morons.
Most of these articles are telling you to make big life changes. You
do not want morons telling you how to live. This is akin to asking Dr.
Kevorkian how to take care of your cold. Not exactly a recipe for success.
Human beings are basically rotten people. On average, we enjoy causing
pain to others, and maximizing how much fun we have/drugs we do/sex we
recklessly enjoy while minimizing the amount we lose to get it. Ergo,
donating your life savings to charity, or eating only green vegetables,
as those morons prescribe, will probably not actually work.
Feel free to pass out in horror.
Anyway, I have written this so that us Scorched Earth-ers and pseudo-Scorched
Earth-ers can actually be happy. I will tell you what makes people happy.
If it doesn't make you happy, then, well, PISS OFF!
Now that we've gotten that out of the way, I present to thee...the Six
Segments of Happiness.
1) FOOD
Food is good. Food makes us happy. Without food, we would wither away
and die. If we have enough food, we turn rotund, clear entire hallways
with the sheer force of our bulk, and have Japanese people bow respectfully
to us in the streets. With even more food, we can turn into a human bomb.
This is a good thing. People say that strapping explosives to yourself
makes yourself a human bomb. These people have never been covered in 760lbs
of exploding blubber and stomach acid. I salivate at the thought.
2) SPORT
Sports are also good. I mean, sure, modern sport is sissified (except
for Slamball, which looks like it'll fucking ROCK). But gladiatorial combat
went out with Rome and until that comes back, we must make do. So I, for
one, engage in strenuous watching of all contact sports, and even some
non-contact sports. The reason I watch from the latter category is so
that I can imagine what they would be like if they were contact sports.
Played in mud. With all the players being Cindy Crawford clones.
Drool...
3) SEX
Don't deny it. You like it. I like it. We all like it. Anyone who says
otherwise is either a nun, a eunuch, or a liar. And I find it _highly_
unlikely any eunuchs are reading this page. As for the idea of a nun getting
this far into Irony Central...well, what the hell church are you from?
Porn is included in the 'sex' category, since porn is basically sex with
half the people that is twice as accessible. So it all balances out.
4) LITTLE CHILDREN
Our glorious Leader (hail, hail) has, of course, managed to produce some
spawn. He seems positively delighted by the experience. Thus, I will go
with someone else's word on this one, since I personally have never had
any little children. Apparently, they're a source of great joy, a positive
beacon of possibilities. Most of the accounts I've read involve the violent
expulsion of body waste. I think that we can all take a similar joy in
this sort of thing.
5) HIGH-POWERED EXPLOSIVES
Whether it's a weapon of mass destruction, or merely a pipe-bomb designed
to eradicate the idiots responsible for Subway commercials (I bet _THAT_
wasn't on your radar screen either!), humanity has enjoyed a traditional
delight in the art of the high-powered explosives. For an art it is. Don't
let those people at the Greenpeace rallies tell you different. Instead,
explain it to them. Gently. Lovingly, if you will. When your planting
C4 on the bottom of their little rubber boats with which they assault
large battleships, you should say, it is essential that you place them
in the precise spots, to obtain the most spherical explosion. Tell them
that a spherical explosion is good. Everyone, you say, knows that.
They will then back away, and leave you alone. Which is good, since none
of us want to be accosted by Greenpeacers and I doubt that the police
will listen too hard to what they say.
6) LEAD PIPES
You knew I'd mention them. I could just put this all under the blanket
category of 'weapons', but not all weapons are fun. A bottle opener, while
technically a weapon, is too useless to bring about happiness. Hitting
a guy over the head with a nail file...not happiness, since the guy will
certainly beat the crap out of you afterwards. Hitting a guy over the
head with a lead pipe, though, is pure joy. The purest of all happiness-stuffs.
I could wax poetic for _hours_ about lead pipes...but I'd best not. I
want to keep it (relatively) brief, after all.
So, you might be asking (no, dammit, you _ARE_ asking, since as long
as you read this article, I'll damned well tell you what to think), 'how
do I use these tips to become happy?'.
Simple. Increase the amount of each of these items you have in your life.
If you only make use of 25 pounds of plastic explosive each week, go up
to 30. Only get laid once a month? Get laid more (and tell me how if you
do). Or try combining some of these facets.
But be careful with your combinations. For instance, sex and little
children is just plain wrong. Sex and high-powered explosives, while strangely
intriguing, is probably not a good idea. But high- powered explosives
and little children can be fun for the whole family. Get creative.
Like computer games? A great fantasy adventure awaits you here.
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