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The Pursuit of Happiness - Scorched Earth Style

By Benjamin Massey
(Canadian Scorched Earther)

Recently, there have been several books/articles/magazines/pieces of toilet paper which have been written by an assortment of morons regarding happiness, and how to attain it.

Now, I want to be happy. You want to be happy. Every organism on Earth wants to be happy, with the possible exception of masochists and K-12 teachers. As such, we may or may not read a few of these manuscripts, in hopes of becoming happy ourselves. But, there's one basic problem with these texts.

They're written by morons.

Most of these articles are telling you to make big life changes. You do not want morons telling you how to live. This is akin to asking Dr. Kevorkian how to take care of your cold. Not exactly a recipe for success.

Human beings are basically rotten people. On average, we enjoy causing pain to others, and maximizing how much fun we have/drugs we do/sex we recklessly enjoy while minimizing the amount we lose to get it. Ergo, donating your life savings to charity, or eating only green vegetables, as those morons prescribe, will probably not actually work.

Feel free to pass out in horror.

Anyway, I have written this so that us Scorched Earth-ers and pseudo-Scorched Earth-ers can actually be happy. I will tell you what makes people happy. If it doesn't make you happy, then, well, PISS OFF!

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, I present to thee...the Six Segments of Happiness.

1) FOOD

Food is good. Food makes us happy. Without food, we would wither away and die. If we have enough food, we turn rotund, clear entire hallways with the sheer force of our bulk, and have Japanese people bow respectfully to us in the streets. With even more food, we can turn into a human bomb.

This is a good thing. People say that strapping explosives to yourself makes yourself a human bomb. These people have never been covered in 760lbs of exploding blubber and stomach acid. I salivate at the thought.

2) SPORT

Sports are also good. I mean, sure, modern sport is sissified (except for Slamball, which looks like it'll fucking ROCK). But gladiatorial combat went out with Rome and until that comes back, we must make do. So I, for one, engage in strenuous watching of all contact sports, and even some non-contact sports. The reason I watch from the latter category is so that I can imagine what they would be like if they were contact sports. Played in mud. With all the players being Cindy Crawford clones.

Drool...

3) SEX

Don't deny it. You like it. I like it. We all like it. Anyone who says otherwise is either a nun, a eunuch, or a liar. And I find it _highly_ unlikely any eunuchs are reading this page. As for the idea of a nun getting this far into Irony Central...well, what the hell church are you from?

Porn is included in the 'sex' category, since porn is basically sex with half the people that is twice as accessible. So it all balances out.

4) LITTLE CHILDREN

Our glorious Leader (hail, hail) has, of course, managed to produce some spawn. He seems positively delighted by the experience. Thus, I will go with someone else's word on this one, since I personally have never had any little children. Apparently, they're a source of great joy, a positive beacon of possibilities. Most of the accounts I've read involve the violent expulsion of body waste. I think that we can all take a similar joy in this sort of thing.

5) HIGH-POWERED EXPLOSIVES

Whether it's a weapon of mass destruction, or merely a pipe-bomb designed to eradicate the idiots responsible for Subway commercials (I bet _THAT_ wasn't on your radar screen either!), humanity has enjoyed a traditional delight in the art of the high-powered explosives. For an art it is. Don't let those people at the Greenpeace rallies tell you different. Instead, explain it to them. Gently. Lovingly, if you will. When your planting C4 on the bottom of their little rubber boats with which they assault large battleships, you should say, it is essential that you place them in the precise spots, to obtain the most spherical explosion. Tell them that a spherical explosion is good. Everyone, you say, knows that.

They will then back away, and leave you alone. Which is good, since none of us want to be accosted by Greenpeacers and I doubt that the police will listen too hard to what they say.

6) LEAD PIPES

You knew I'd mention them. I could just put this all under the blanket category of 'weapons', but not all weapons are fun. A bottle opener, while technically a weapon, is too useless to bring about happiness. Hitting a guy over the head with a nail file...not happiness, since the guy will certainly beat the crap out of you afterwards. Hitting a guy over the head with a lead pipe, though, is pure joy. The purest of all happiness-stuffs. I could wax poetic for _hours_ about lead pipes...but I'd best not. I want to keep it (relatively) brief, after all.

So, you might be asking (no, dammit, you _ARE_ asking, since as long as you read this article, I'll damned well tell you what to think), 'how do I use these tips to become happy?'.

Simple. Increase the amount of each of these items you have in your life. If you only make use of 25 pounds of plastic explosive each week, go up to 30. Only get laid once a month? Get laid more (and tell me how if you do). Or try combining some of these facets.

But be careful with your combinations. For instance, sex and little children is just plain wrong. Sex and high-powered explosives, while strangely intriguing, is probably not a good idea. But high- powered explosives and little children can be fun for the whole family. Get creative.

 


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