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Small Towns: For Dummies


Andy Smith

Greetings, I live in the small town of Newfield. Many have the wrong perception of a small town... unless you picture inbred morons sitting on the side of dirt roads picking their never-been-washed two holes (yes that would be the back door). There are approxamately 5,000 people in my town... 6/10 of which fit the category I already described. 1/10 of the population is somewhat normal, but half of these people have been eliminated by overgrown cows (the town has many more cows than people). The remaining 3/10 are a vehement storm of pick-up truck driving Rednecks. Yes they are by far the worst. They own the cows. They have their own language... Redbonics. Perhaps this is the reason George Bush was elected, there are many small towns. They can relate to him.

School is the most horrible aspect of small-town life. We have 2 main groups of students... rednecks and wiggers (Wigger: a white person who pretends they are african american, also referred to as white homies, gangstas, and sucka g's) I have nothing against the way black people sometimes act... but when white people try to do the same its quite ostenacious. Imagine walking through the halls hearing phrases such as "I make 50 cent look like a quarta", and "shit son, I'll cutizzle you and pop four caps in yo' ass". Yes, kind of pathetic. I spend my days contemplating the many ways to destroy select people in my school... or scar them mentally and emotionally. Select people? Who am I kidding... change that to everyone. Most of the teachers are pretty understanding and actually can relate. However, the number of special education aids far outweigh the number of teachers. These aids have meaningless positions, they teach inbreds how to make coffee and collect attendance folders. Aids, principals, "school resource officers", the guy who watches the gym, and the janitors are all Fascist. My friends and I are blamed for all mischief that goes on (though it is usually us). "Someone said fuck?...must have been one of those punks." Blaming everything on a select group of people only causes them to act out more. "Are you blaming me for that principal? Wait 'til i blow up your mailbox." Anyways, I'm just rambling. The real point of this is to persuade everyone to stay away from small towns. Or if you can't avoid one... make sure you have a lead pipe.

(vote scorched earth)

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