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Scorched Earth Opinion Letters


Subject: Lead Pipes

I read your documents about the Scorched Earth Party, and I love it.You:

1) Actually say what you are going to do (or at least plan to do)

2) You don’t give us the philanthropic BS “Our goal is the improvement of the human race”

3) Your goal is something that everyone would want. So anyway, I look around to see if there is anyone who could be useful to your party. I found this teenager who was very spiteful, twisted, and an excellent artist. I asked her if she would be interested in beating people with lead pipes. Hey, I would beat people with lead pipes if I could. I live in Texas, and a lot of construction is going on, making it an ideal place to attain lead pipes. The only problem is that the construction workers take all the lead pipes and use them to break into houses, so now there are no more lead pipes. But I digress. Anyway, I asked the teen about the lead pipes and she said she preferred sticks. I thought this was absolute BS, but she tells me she likes sticks because:

1) With a lead pipe, there is no contest between you and the victim. You are definitely going to kill the victim with your lead pipe. With a stick, there is struggle and uncertainty.

2) When you kill someone with a lead pipe, it is rather painless. With a stick, you can beat and beat the victim until they are choking on their own blood, begging for mercy at your feet, tripping over the puddles there own blood has made.

3) Kind of a repeat of 1 and 2, but sticks are apparently more fun.

4) Sticks are easier to get.

These are undeniable. Lead pipes deliver cold swift justice while with sticks you can torture your victim and THEN kill him/her. The teen refuses to use lead pipes. What I am to say to this teenager?



Your mistake is thinking you can say something to the teenager. Dealing with teenagers does not work this way. Reason does not help. That is part of the definition of being a teenager.

If you want to change the teenager’s mind, I recommend you start by using fire.

-Jeff Vogel


Subject: Concerning a political matter

Greetings and salutations, good sir. Whilst perusing through your fine, fine websites, I ran into your Scorched Earth Party, I mean informational section. While I am of like mind on much of your issues, I do question the fact that you still wish to work within the system (albeit in a properly fitting fashion for your particular bent). Why conform to an obsolete system and limit one’s self when you can aim for a much more desirable goal? That goal being the Instigator of the End.

I see it this way...if we’re still thinking, talking, writing, researching and enshrining such folks as Attila and Genghis, why not prove to the world what a real barbarian horde can do? And I’m not just talking about a few nomadic horsemen riding around hijacking silk and spice shipments, I mean wholesale, Vandal-style destruction. Real “smash the pretty objects just to hear the sound” kind of romps around the globe to crush all those who oppose under foot and then piddle on them, as it amuses us. I foresee bloody insurrection, enjoying a nice corned beef sandwich atop a pile of slain foes, a collection of fine bone china made from various UN representatives sent to entreat for a cessation to hostilities, and lots of burning shit scattered all over the place.

Yes, while clubbing down those that annoy and irritate you is a righteous and good thing, you must take into account that they have relatives and friends that are likely equally annoying. So just to make sure, you really have to wipe them out, just to take care of further annoyance/revenge attempts. Plus, I think it would be kind of cool, once the campaign of the UberHorde gets rolling at a good clip, to have the Pope stand outside the Vatican and plead for the lives within. Also, in a half millennium or so after civilization has ground down to a halt and restarted, it would be really cool to have myths and religious texts based upon my and my follower’s exploits and excesses.

So yes, while subverting the electoral process and benumbing the masses’ minds into the instrument of your will, then thumping them when they take your parking space, is an admirable goal, I think you make the mistake of mercy. Nothing turns on chicks like a throne made up of the fingers of the Vienna Boy’s Choir, and nothing says “Stop interrupting me, I’m watching porn here!” like smashing down a city, then sowing the fields with salt.

- Yours in the slaughter of the innocent, Gorbag


America is the greatest country on Earth. True, we are going to bring limitless carnage and devastation on the globe, but we are going to do it according to tried and true democratic principles.

Fear not. If recent elections are any indication, the potential for global devastation does not in the slightest way faze the slack-jawed, SUV-driving voting citizens of this nation.

-Jeff Vogel


Subject: A seer of the light

Irony Central,

I was informed of the movement today, but took some to heart and left some behind in the ground to be trampled on by old people and those who have seen things with eyes clouded. I have seen things with eyes unclouded and realize the truely revolting things in our US government, but we have to realize that a revolution would take time and it would be a hand of cards we wouldnt be able to win. The game being played will be lost sooner or later, but expecting sooner is a bad way of looking at it. But consider what you say to be a godsend. But even to consider reforming the governemt would take time and time is something the government has, to waste the time of us and to make us forget what we have come here to do. They seem to confuse the weak minded and destroy the strong. So things like these dont happen, only think of the possibilities of that, the strongs and the weaks all being lead to another reform. We wouldnt stand a chance against a brainy heavy set government such as ours.......


Please email me back I would like to know more of Scorched Earth.


You see? This is the sort of introspective navel-gazing which has kept us paralyzed. Remember, nobody ever questioned the subtle ramifactions of their actions and their position in the greater scheme of things while beating someone with a lead pipe.

-Jeff Vogel

(This meaning your opinion does not matter.)

Here are my thoughts on various items.

Item 1: Teachers
Contrary to what they would like you believe, teachers do not know everything. Sure, they did go to school for this, but as you could tell, the school system needs work. Killing off all the annoying children ( i.e. everyone but me.) might help. Some of the teachers are incompetent idiots. I'm not going to name names, but you probably know who I'm talking about. Others, while reasonably intelligent, are very spiteful and sarcastic. They must have signed some contract they currently want out of. You people definitely know who I'm talking about. The first two kinds of teachers all believe we, the students, have no rights. This statement contradicts some legal document I'm not aware of. Then there are the reasonable teachers. All of whom are male or elementary teachers. Coincidence? Probably.

Item 2: Other people
Yes, other than the select few who will read this, there are billions of other people out there. Most of whom I have not met. Most of those I have met annoy me. At first shooting them all sounded like a good idea, so did beating them all with lead pipes. But after difficult thought, wouldn't it be better to mastermind there downfall, and use the first two methods on those who can't fall? Sounds good, don't it. Then there are the women. I like the either intelligent or extremely stupid. Any in-betweens causes problems.

Item 3: Entertainment
Sex, Drugs, Violence, and Rock'N'Roll. All in high detail. What more could you want? Well I'll tell you, maggot, Go and be converted.

Item 4: Censorship
If you are in any way offended by my art, you are a total fucking pussy.

In closing, I would like to say: Vote Scorched Earth Party.

(Because Jeff Vogel can do it alone, but I figured he could use some help)

- David Tubman


The New Website

Dear President Vogel,

I have just recently floundered across your new website. I enjoy it about as much as I would enjoy watching a "Sabrina VS Buffy" hot-oil catfight in person. Yes, that would be fulfilling. Most people would think high-kicking Buffy would win. Most people are easily influenced fools and mindlessly believe everything they see on TV! Truth is, in a real fight, Sabrina would kick Buffy's ass!

And don't think a fight between the two is out of the question. They are peers who seem to occupy the same space. Both are 3 name stars of cheesy teen shows that spun-off from movies and air on also-ran networks. Both know they're at the peak of their careers and may never work again. That means they both must grab what they can now and do anything to hold onto it.

I can also see them running in the same circles, perhaps even being friends. It's highly conceivable they have similar tastes in men, or more likely, men have similar tastes in them. I envision a lovers triangle and a betrayal resulting in a "there can only be one" catfight a-la Highlander.

Backing down is not an option. Neither can afford to appear weak because they both know their career is all downhill from here. Girl teen stars' careers disappear at the drop of a hat no matter how "big" a star they are. (Blossom anyone?) Back down today and you may find yourself in a downward spiral that ends with half-hour ads for Psychic Networks by age 30. Any conflict between Buffy (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and Sabrina (Melissa Joan Hart) may just escalate into a physical confrontation for Alpha female status.

And when the bitch slapping begins, Melissa Joan Hart will come out victorious. She is smaller, but she has a stronger, compact build and a lower centre of gravity. For a lover of hips, she's your gal. More importantly, she strikes me as more of a fighter and something tells me she has a mean streak. Despite Sarah Michelle Gellar picking up a few on-set fight pointers, she won't be able to fend of Sabrina very long. Buffy would eventually find herself on her back with Sabrina pinning her down in a mangle of hair, limbs and torn clothing.

I picture Sabrina not being satisfied with mere victory. She must humiliate Buffy. This could range from sitting on Buffy's chest, slapping and twisting her exposed face to sitting on her face, slapping andpinching Buffy's exposed chest. Whatever action she took, she would do it until breaking Sarah Michelle. I've seen old footage of Sarah Michelle when she was a kid, and I'm sure she was picked on regularly. No doubt she would relive her childhood trauma and sob uncontrollably, a broken young woman.

Yes, watching this would provide satisfaction comparable to knowing you have a new website. Hopefully, you will use it to spread your wisdom to the slobbering masses and to re-invigorate The Scorched Earth Party. We need the SEP more now than ever!

Peter Schuller

Like computer games? A great fantasy adventure awaits you here.

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