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Scorched Earth Praise Letters



Oh Jeff, (Jeff!), we love you!

Letsee, I'm spending my free time in a wise, and constructive manner. Yes, yes I am. So, I wrote the Jeff Song. Enjoy. *smug smile* Incidentally, feel free to post this on your creepy fan mail page. *cough* I mean, omit that creepy part...

Jeff, (Jeff!) You know we love you so!
Jeff, (Jeff!) You make our bottom's glow (glow!!)
Jeff, (Jeff!) You make our hearts beat fast
Jeff, (Jeff!) We hope you'll last! (last!!)

Presidents come, yeah, they go, too
But we don't want that for you (no!!)
Jeff, (Jeff!) We love you so! (So!)
Jeff, (Jeff!) we never want you to go!

Scorched Earth Party, it's so cool!
But Jeff, we want you to RULE! (Rule!)
No presedential campaign for you (no!)
We want you to do what all the cool guys do!

(Subliminibal message*): ot tnaw uoy wnok ,tnemnrevog eht worht revO

Jeff, (Jeff!) You're so fun! (Fun!)
Jeff, (Jeff!) You're by far the best one! (one!)
Jeff, (Jeff!) Why are you so unkind? Jeff, (Jeff!) Because it's good, and we don't mind! (mind!)

*NOT brought to you by the BUSH campaign... but uh, if the FBI sees this, it's uh, it's Dubyah, yeah, he did it!

Oh, *wipes a tear away* Let's put that to music... *gasps* Heeheehee!

Yes, it's me again,


Excellent. I see it played on accordion and hurdy-gurdy. Sadly, however, the Scorched Earth party already has an official theme song. It's Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da

-Jeff Vogel


Hi, just wanted to say that I am far more then willing to risk more acne for the truth that is Irony Central.

As for getting a lead pipe, the closest I can get here in northern Oregon is an aluminum radio antenna, which comes out to about 2.5 feet long, and is more of a stabbing tool then a bashing tool. I have actually found it much more effective then a pipe in beating my foolish victims senseless (and I have tried using a pipe, belive me).

Martin Carney


You aren't the first to observe that it is very difficult to get lead pipes these days. But, to us, this falls under the category of "craftsmanship". If you're going to go to the trouble of inflicting justice, you should at least make sure you have the right tools.

-Jeff Vogel



I, like many other people, originally found Irony Central after playing (and enjoying) the Exile games.  I wandered around on Spiderweb's page and sure enough found the link to Irony Central.  I clicked on the link with a little morbid curiosity and some small trepidation.  I did not realize that I had just made the most important decision of my life.  I found Scorched Earth; I read your essays on Manual Disimpaction; I moved from helpful high school Red Cross volunteer to complete and total psychotic bastard in approximately thirty seconds.  Thank you Jeff Vogel, thank you Scorched Earth; without you I would be lost!  I have realized that college is only a vehicle for sex, and that hopefully I will find a more resilient pipe than the wimpy PVC one I have now (I like to call him Dr. Spangle).  I will devotedly read all your essays until I die, and then I will have your Internet Love Poem read at my wedding (screw writing my own vows!  the bitch will deal with it!).  After I die, I want the following written on my tombstone:

I came, I saw, I joined Scorched Earth, I got really hammered, I had lots of illicit sex, I hit people with Dr. Spangle, I died.  Get over it.

And with these charming words I will inspire my children to join the Scorched Earth party, and a good time will be had by all.

Thank you, God, for giving us Scorched Earth.

Thomas Albert

P.S.  You can use this letter on your letters page.  It's ok.


Thank you for writing. If there is any trait we look for in followers, it is fanatacism. All things being equal, what we want is mindless dedication.

-Jeff Vogel

6/14/ 2001

When I was browsing your website, I noticed a little obscure link on the "Hints" page that led to a humor site maintained by Jeff Vogel, the man who brought us fine products like the Exile series, and Avernum.

"Humor site, eh?", I said. "Well, it's 2 o'clock in the AM, and there's nothing else but infomercials, so I guess that I'll just go to this little "Humor" site. It'll probably be pretty lame, but what the hell."

The next words to come out of my mouth were "Woa! The guy who made the squeaky clean Exile series just said 'fuck'! There it is again! And there's pussy! What the hell is manual disempaction?" I had no idea that the man who brought me Exile could be so hilariously vulgar. As I began to read your writings, I began to discover a few things. Ziggy DOES suck. And why are we feeding those bastardly kids on the posters anyway? Lead pipes ARE the solution to everything! You, my friend, are a genius. I am fully prepared to hand over my will to you and become one of the members of your glorious, slobbering, warty hordes. I've torn open my own bedroom wall to grab a pipe from the plumbing. It's copper, not lead, but it will have to do until I can find a suitable replacement. And as I thrust my copper pipe (I named mine Mr. Bip!) into the air triumphantly whilst standing over the bloody, mangled corpse of a hapless convenience store clerk, I will cry at the top of my lungs, "Vive la Scorched Earth Party! Free abortions and back-up vaginas for all!"

The registration check for Avernum II is in the mail.  :)

- Ryan "Stoned Goat" O'Malley


You have given us the greatest compliment we can hope for.


It's all about the benjamins, baby.

- Jeff Vogel

Like computer games? A great fantasy adventure awaits you here.

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