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Scorched Earth Recommendations Letters

05/13/02

Subject: SEP Funding Suggestion

I love the Scorched Earth Party webpage and stance. Carnally. I have thus devoted some of my time to devising methods of raising funds for advertising and, at a later point, big cool weapons. One I came up with is, I think, particularly appropriate in that:

a) It involves violence.
b) It will make money.
c) It utilizes one of our most wasted natural resources, namely, hobos.

Obviously, gladiatorial games are a good thing. The people in power at this point, unfortunately, do not see it this way and are (for now) hard to get at to change their minds through cunning arguments and a lead pipe. International law would also be against it. So... you go where international law does not apply: a few miles off the coastline there are no laws AT ALL. Fun. Anyway, you hold the games on a big boat out there with enough weaponry to stop pirates (specifically I am thinking of tesla death rays, a fun invention if there ever was one). The gladiators would have to be people street smart and/or intoxicated enough to fight well and provide a good spectacle, but that no one cared enough about to try and do something about, like rescue. Thus: hobos. You would get the homeless off the street, have gladiator fights, and make money! Everyone's a winner! Except for the hobo that dies! And think how entertaining it would be just to hear the names announced: "And now... Boxcar Harry takes on Mumbly Joe!" You would make the money, of course, by broadcasting the fights and taking advertising money (it would be the most popular TV show ever, everyone will want to advertise), while including your own nefarious subliminal messages. Fun and evil!

If this suggestion is of any use, please leave twenty nubile virgins by the Microsoft building; I'll pick them up there after the attack. Thank you,

-'Duct Tape' Tom

PS: I just thought how even the hobo that dies could be a winner: you could let people sell life insurance aboard ship.


05/10/02

Subject: Random Ramblings

All hail (future) President Vogel!

I've been reading through the stuff on Ironycentral, and I can't help noticing a few flaws with some of the submissions. For example, the suggestion that your daughter should be trained to fight battlebots. It all sounds fine up to a point, and that point is when she becomes a teenager. Rebellious teenagers are bad enough, but rebellious teenagers with lethal skills... you get the idea. You wouldn't even be able to send out a robot army after her (or people brainwashed into acting like robots) because she'd know how to deal with it. Anyway, as you said somewhere, babies are indeed cute and should only be used as a method of covering other people in drool and puke without them swearing revenge.

On to the Olympics, and how they can be improved. I would like to see debating take its place in this great competition. The teams would be locked in a room until they agreed who deserved to win. To make this less boring and more of a sport, sports equipment should be allowed to help them make their point (rifles count as sports equipment, don't they?). This would combine well with the great sporting tradition of drugging people up. Suitable drugs would be needed, of course. One member of each team would be drugged to think that everyone was out to get him, another to be hyperactive and so on. Nothing arouses good team spirit like chemicals with gigantic names.

Ski-jumping: The world record is something like 225m. Obviously they aren't trying hard enough. Apart from using cyborgs (which are too expensive and too likely to turn on their masters), the best solution would be to include a penalty for failure. A spiked pit for the first 250m sounds fine. Alternatively, let them jump from higher. I'm sure most of them could get a good distance if you pushed them out of a plane, especially if you count the farthest distance any part of them goes.

All this might sound cruel, but remember: I'm not capable of doing any of these sports, and I'm guessing that you aren't either. If these policies were implemented, all the sportspeople would be wiped out and geeks would be the fittest as well as the most intelligent portion of society.

E.E. Thompson


03/21/02

Subject: A Scorched Earth Icon

Dear President Vogel:

Something occured to me whilst installing a new dishwasher and replacing the old plumbing.

While I do wholeheartedly and cheerfully endorse the policies of your party and the spirit in which they were formulated, I wonder if a milder, more polite, and morally defensible form of Scorched Earth policy could be practised (I'm Canadian). Could one substitute a sturdy length of rubber hose (it's old and really, really hard!) for the beloved lead pipe, sort of a Scorched Earth Lite if you will, or would this be considered heresy and an abomination before your eyes?

Regards,

RT

 

For shame! Would you substitute carob for chocolate? Ally McBeal for porn? Love for hate?

No! It's all about craftsmanship. And, in our view, nothing replaces the simple, direct elegance of pure, lovely lead.

-Jeff Vogel


01/29/02

Subject: Location, location, location. . .

Dear President Vogel,

I think that the Scorched Earth Headquarters needs to be moved from Seattle. I think a suitable site for relocation would be my location. Texas. Texas is ideal for the Scorched Earth Party. It's hot. This has many advantages. For one, aesthetics. The earth truly is scorched here. It hasn't rained since 1972. Also, there is scientific evidence of a direct correlation between heat and irrational acts of violence. The heat makes you crazy and violent. During the summer (basically all year round except for the 5 min. where the leaves fall) you could make the whole state one large horde.

There are advantages other than the climate as well. Texas is growing. There is a lot of construction, and therefore a lot of pipes to be found and used. Also, there are pickup trucks, the perfect transportation to cart your horde around in. You can carry large numbers of people in the bed of a truck, but still leave them exposed to the heat, keeping them frenzy-prone. Finally, there are stupid people. A lot of them. Many, many ignorant hillbillies to perpetrate our acts of violence upon, and isn't that what it's all about?

Your humble Hordling,

David Dix

 

Our base will continue to be in Seattle. That is where I am. Fortunately, according to the Scorched Earth bylaws, all you have to do to move the headquarters is to launch, a sudden, unexpected, vicious, bloody coup. Coup protocol are given in Article 6, Section 5, Subsection b.

-Jeff Vogel


12/20/01

Subject: Jeff, my fucking hero

Like a lot of SEP fans, I played the Exile and Avernum games before finding Irony Central, and I must say I love everything on this site. I like the idea of violence as a solution. People who say others are FOOLS, idiot FOOLS with no concept of reality. But I enjoy seeing this open forum, so I'm going to recommend another target for the SEP.

The organization known as Truth.

I'm 18. I've been smoking for 4 years. Yup, I love me my coffin nails. Smoking is one of the few things I enjoy in my life, and now I see some group of idiots out there to take smoking away from underaged kids everywhere. This angers me. You see, I think it is wrong to:

1-Accuse such companies as Phillip-Morris (one of the nations largest philanthropy groups) of brain washing kids into smoking, and then ad catchy songs and animation to hawk your ideas.

2-Accost working people. These hippy fucking GAP kids go out and annoy people about smoking. I say get a job. I say fuck youth health. I say let the chips fall where they may and smoke up, because the damn things are only getting more and more expensive. I'm all for fucking with innocent bystanders, but only if you have a half way decent excuse.

So that's my beef. Truth members should all be beaten, cowed down until their spirit is cracked, and forced to smoke endless packs of extra tar containing cigarettes until their emphysema combined with their constant roles in the mass herems leads to their demise.

Thank you.

Go ahead, use my email address, post this bad boy.

RastaWeasel@aol.com

 

We at the Scorched Earth Party, while not explicitly encouraging teenagers to smoke, freely admit that it does not actually bother us. We have not noticed the world as having a particular shortage of people.

-Jeff Vogel


08/10/01

Revolution

Mr. Jeff Vogel, the American people needs a new leader. Some one that is decicive, talented and intelligent. All the privious leaders of the People of the United States doesn't have any of the qualities that you have. What we, the people, need is a REVOLUTION! Down with the neo-liberal fucks that can't do anything right! ALL HEIL TO SCORCHED EARTH! Gether around the white house welding your mighty lead pipes and other weapons and then we shall storm the building! Kill Bush and his wife with our lead pipes! Kill his daughter! Jeff, YOU'RE the only rightful leader of America. If you're in charge, total victory in world politics will be achived! You rule, man!

-Evil Eric

 

Thank you for writing. However, the Scorched Earth Party can not, in any way, get behind any plan to harm the Bush daughters. They are young. They are cute. And they drink. A lot. These qualities tend to get someone an automatic pass from me.

-Jeff Vogel


06/18/01

Hello Jeff and whoever else might be reading this at the moment...yes, even you,

I have been a fan of your shareware for quite a while. Excellent stuff. Imagine my suprize when I stumbled upon your Irony Central site. I ignored the acne warning, because any punishment was worth seeing what you had to say. Scorched Earth, have you ever thought of having a youth promotion group for your party? I know many of my fellow teens who would be very interested in the rest of your ideas. Basically this email is to say, you kick ass, keep on making those games ( I cant wait for geneforge mmmm....genetic engineering ), and ... well there was something else here

Eagerly awaiting your response

- Jon Howser

 

The teenage years are a very delicate time. Teen humans are filled with the combination of a new sense of power and responsibility and intense waves of mind-jarring hormones.

How nice it would be for us to provide a focus for those energies, besides irreverence and masturbation. Teenagers have a strong sense of right and wrong. Now, if we could just get them to focus less on right than on punishing wrong, we would be in business.

-Jeff Vogel


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