Irony Central - Scorched Earth Travel Letters

Scorched Earth Travel Letters

11/25/02

Subject: Canada basher!

Is this trend towards badmouthing Canadians ever going to end? I realize of course that it’s all in innocent fun but it’s really alarming how much of it you see these days. Considering how many truly MORONIC people there are in both Canada and the US it’s scary to think how many people take all this rhetoric seriously in some form or another.

In addition attacking us would never work...we have Moose dude. Have you ever seen a freaking Moose? You guys bitch about our lack of military all the time but little do you know we’ve simply been breeding millions of moose up north where you guys never think to look cuz it’s mostly...well...nothing up there but OHHH yes. Our Militant Moose breeding program is well underway and may god help you should we ever decide to use our rampaging army of moose for evil purposes.

One more crack...JUST ONE MORE CRACK about us pal and your gonna have a world of hoof bearin hurt all over you faster than you can say...eh? Oh one more thing...we’re doubling the syrup tariff as punishment.

- Glenn Lane
Proud Canadian eh?

I think I see the source of the confusion. You think that inciting violence towards Canada is “innocent” fun. I assure you that it is not innocent. It is highly vicious and malevolent.
Also remember that Canada has the highest number, per capita, of furries and plushies of any country in the world. I recently visited Vancouver, BC and saw that there was a sign that said “Welcome to Vancouver: The Yiffiest Place On Earth.”
-Jeff Vogel

11/28/01

Dear Jeff and your toadies,

I didn't mind the comment on Afghanistan. Hell, nuke'em and put'em out of their misery. It's not like it can get any warmer there. Shit, the radioactivity might force mutate some plant life into something more useful, and then they'd have actual farms.

I do take issue with your comment on cutting open Canada's belly and having riches shower down on you (re: "Scorched Earth Party Position Paper: Canada"). Now, I'm not offended because cutting open a country's belly is wrong or anything. No not at all. I am taking an issue with you *expecting* riches to shower down on you. Ever been here Jeff? I mean actually lived here?

Here's how Canada pathetically maintains any kind of economy. They invite yankees over to invest in companies which hire out workers with insanely bad benefits, and incredibly low wages. Shit! If you offered a Canadian 50k a year that's approximately 30k a year in US dollars. You don't have to pay for medical care because the government pathetically tries to handle that part, and of course you don't have to pay for dental care because all our teeth are bad and we're just used to it.

For a massive vacation/disney land, Canada would suck. You would freeze your ass off. Ever feel like its really cold *down* there in Seattle. SHIT JEFF I'M NORTH OF YOU. Canada is between you and Alaska. If I walked out without my ear muffs my ears would fall off. If I walked out with my ear muffs my ears have a 50/50 chance of falling off or just turning into rigid icicles.

If you want to just store cheese here, you'll be fine though. Heck, I doubt you'll need to invade Canada to store cheese. Just walk on by, and remember to wave to the drunk border officials sipping on Canadian Beer and playing miniature hockey. They probably won't hear you because of their frozen ears.

Dump your cheese anywhere and put up an American flag near it. Some stupid fucking kanuck will walk up and put a sign saying "We stand with you, America!"

Now... if only Canada would act preemptively and thrust downwards into the Fatherland. Oooh. After I lay seige to Seattle I'd grab the first yankee with good teeth and smash his head with a fucking medieval mace. Get each one of them teeth implanted in me.

-- Thamer Al-Harbash http://www.whitefang.com/

I have been to Canada many times, and you do have a valuable resource. Vancouver, BC has some of the finest Asian food in the entire world.

I picture a massive slave state, shipping enormous crates of egg rolls, sweet and sour crab, and garlic squid to the south. All of it made under horrible conditions in the Food Mines. And if it isn't good, we crush you.

Oh, and you also have trees.

-Jeff Vogel

11/17/01

Dear sir, I found your opening paragraph with the heading"Why You Should Go To Paris Instead of Afghanistan" very disturbing actually disturbing is not the right word i felt anger.How can you judge that there is no value of human life in Afghanistan??I would say that you are mistaken.And you should be ashamed to point out the fact about health care because it is such a poor country.What do you expect?About the ladies having veils,every place has its own customs u should not criticise without understanding! That is all i have to say.

Lucy Bigstone

My apologies. I take it all back. The Afghanis are a refined and civilized people. They treat their women with a great deal of respect, and, when it became illegal to give them proper medical care or educate them, it was only in a way which respected their value as human beings.

-Jeff Vogel

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