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Scorched Earth Women

 

10/04/01

Scorched Earth Rules

Dear Mr. Vogel,

You are awesome. I stumbled across this site while I was bored one day (being the nerd that I am, I have no social life). I was hooked, of course. Being a teenage nerd (yet a reasonably attractive female as well! Really!), I have a lot of latent rage. Particularly when dealing with people at my school.

Allow me to explain the many ways in which these people need to meet with the stern discipline of the Scorched Earth Party.

I. There are those who like the Backstreet Boys. I don't think I need to elaborate.
II. There are those who do not worship me.
III. Hell, they just bother me.

Let's take the bastards out! Before I found Scorched Earth, I was politically apathetic. This was because I thought that politics could not directly affect my life. My lead pipe changed my mind. However, I've also found that a cattle prod can be just as much fun, albeit a different sort. Walking down the hall between classes used to awaken my phenomenally violent side (different from my ordinary violent side), on account of these flocks of bippy girls who walk at the speed of toenail growth. A cattle prod does a lot of good in this situation. They jump nice.

Many people don't have to walk through hallways cluttered with excess high schoolers, but the principle remains sound. And by not killing people, you can hurt them over and over again! And then they learn fear! And respect, but mostly fear! Okay, perhaps it doesn't have the satisfaction of beating someone to death with a lead pipe, but for a change of pace, see. Or if you've strained your beating arm, this option offers less stress.

You don't have to listen to the humble opinions of a lowly teenager. But I'm right. Heh, I've defeated the acne warning. I used to have acne, but they gave me a drug that made it go away forever. Drugs are good.

So yeah. Vote Scorched Earth!

Amanda Casperson

 

This is an excellent tonic for anyone who thinks that women are delicate and gentle and from Venus. Well, actually, they might be from Venus. It's a dark, lethal place with a thick, obscuring atmosphere and acid in the atmosphere. Kind of makes sense.

-Jeff Vogel


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