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Scorched Earth Party Position Paper:

Birth Control

The Scorched Earth Party is all in favor of birth control. You see, we like sex! We like it hot and nasty, and often! And we like reproducing! We like seeing our demon broods emerge, and grow to help us conquer.

Unfortunately, soch is the average fecundity of the Scorched Earther that our seed not only obliterates the egg in their enthusiasm, but then pries open the ovary, and plunders the riches therein in a horrifying burst of wriggling debauchery.

Four hundred babies in one womb messes up everyone's day. Thus, we want ot keep the little squirmy bastards under control, through serious and competent birth control.

Our main problem with birth control, however, is that it is so boring. Take a pill. Get a shot. Wear a rubber thing. And nothing happens. There's just no pregnancy. No violence. No screams. No horror. This is not good. That is why the Scorched Earth Party plans to finance research to develop these forms of birth control:

1. Microscopic robots that live in the vagina. They sense, track down, and carve up sperm. Sometimes they climb up the urethra into the testicles, and boy, then the fun REALLY STARTS!

2. A pill that causes muscle contractions, that shoot a fetus out the vagina at upwards of 500 miles an hour. Imagine this move in a martial arts flick!

3. Like a condom, but vibrating and radioactive.

4. Three words. Ova with guns.

It will be expensive. It will be difficult. It will be tampering in God's domain. But the government does that all the time, and the results have never and will never be as cool as 500 mile an hour flying killer fetuses.

So vote for us.

 

Scorched Earth Party -

"Fecund, friendly, and fireproof."

- Jeff Vogel Scorched Earth Party


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