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Scorched Earth Party Position Paper: Canada

I am torn, O' yea, verily, I am.

On one hand, I grew up in western Washington, where going over the border to visit our friendly northern neighbor was just a funky way to spend the weekend. On the other hand, I am the presidential candidate of the Scorched Earth Party, and I have a sacred responsibility. When I look at our northern neighbor, lying there like a fat, bloated sow with its exposed underbelly towards us. I picture our first mighty thrust, gutting it with one slash, and I see its rich, nutritious entrails showering down upon us, like a pinata, but icky.

Canada would be so useful! It could be our vacation land, like a big Disneyland! We could store excess cheese there! We could perform bizarre medical experiments to try to cause everyone in Quebec to merge into one gigantic fleshy protoplasm! We could import the seals, lobotomize them, and use them as comfy, pre-warmed throw pillows! It would be cool!

And evil! It would be evil!

And you Canadians should not be offended by this. I promise. I say all this because I like you. You see, as awful as being gutted from stem to stern by our mighty armies will be, it will be peanuts compared to what will be happening in this country.

Scorched Earth Party -

"Remember - an invasion is just our way of saying 'I love you.'"

- Jeff Vogel Scorched Earth Party


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