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Scorched Earth Party Position Paper:

Clinton's Economic Plan

We at the Scorched Earth Party, quite frankly, fail to see what all this fuss about the deficit is about. I mean, think about it. We owe a couple trillion dollars to some people. It's just money, and, more important, they're just people.

When elected president, I promise to select one of the people we owe money to, at random. I will have that person brought to the White House, cover his or her body with small razor slits, dip him or her in acetone, kick him or her repeatedly, and then beat him or her to death with a lead pipe.

When news of this gets out, those sorry vultures and usurers won't be quite so high and mighty about such little economics abstractions as the deficit, and we can gradually reduce interest payments.

I will then take %1 of the money we save, and use it to hire a cadre of highly trained prostitutes to cater to my every whim. This will go a long way towards introducing a profit motive to government, and everyone wants that.

Remember: The Scorched Earth Party. You'll be better off, or you'll be dead. And if you're dead, you won't care you're not better off!

 

- Jeff Vogel

Scorched Earth Party


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