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Scorched Earth Party Position Paper: Fruitopia

Before beginning this noble screed, I should point out that it is officially declared truth of the Scorched Earth Party that the sixties were a bad thing. True, the music was good, and lots of people put cehmicals into their bodies. Also, there was a war. However, there was also a lot of wimpiness, and that war ended badly, which sapped people's spirits, and made them less enthusiastic about forming the First American Empire.

If not for the sixties, I would be in power now, and all of you would bow down before me, and John Hughes would be hanging from a lamppost, as would Michael Crichton.

But they did happen. And so did the plague. And Styx. We will persevere.

Now then.

Fruitopia officially symbolizes everything in the universe that makes loyal Scorched Earth Party members psychitically violent. We have no problem with the ultimate coopting of counterculture values by corporate America. We're all for it. However, in doing so, we are being bombarded with the most unpleasant anti-hideous violence propaganda imaginable.

You know how the commercials go. Psychedelic fruit, throbbing and pulsing rhythmically across the screen. Peaceful, lulling, psyche-penetrating music. Then messages flash on the screen, like:

Everything should be...
Perfect and beautiful and nice...
And it will be...
Because you are so enlightened...
Because you drink...
Raspberry Anti-homophobia Ripple

And then a corpse, an exposed brain, and a gallstone flash on the screen, and you reel, stunned, tongue hanging out of your mouth like a giant moist maggot, and a tiny bit of you has died, the best part, the evil, twisted part, and you go out and buy bottles and bottles of it and then someone says something really dumb and you DON'T KILL THEM.

This must stop.

Send me money. Lots of it. I am going to start my own brand of beverages. They will contain the same sugar-water, the same artifical flavorings. But then will have healthy names, like:

Purple Grape Disembowlment.
Orange Ecstatic Excrement.
Guava, Love, and Pistolwhipping.
Tropical Punch Your Lights Out.

And the TV commercials will involve sodomy.

And people will buy it. Because you will put me in power and I will force them, and the world will be a better place.

Scorched Earth Party -

"Because actions need consequences. LOTS and LOTS of consequences."

- Jeff Vogel Scorched Earth Party


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