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Scorched Earth Party:
Why We Need More Reality TV

Speaking as the presidential candidate of the Scorched Earth Party, the political party which dares to tell the truth, as long as "telling the truth" means "visiting painful death on those we hate", it is time that I broke my silence on a political controversy that roils this great lands of ours. No, not campaign finance reform or tax cuts. I mean something that's actually relevant to the American People. I'm talking about Reality Television shows.

It is, at this point, commonly accepted fact that Reality Television is one of the most marvelous things that has happened to the American people in decades. Practically every American firmly believes that we need more Reality Television shows as soon as possible. The problem is that most people don't realize exactly why this is necessary.

It is simple. A few ignorant, moist sob-sisters have observed that watching real people struggle against each other and make each other suffer is no more than the modern equivalent of the gladiatorial games of ancient, decadent Rome. Except that, instead of good, honest butchery with tridents, we have young urban professionals with great abs scheming against each other, or whatever.

But this argument carries in it the implicit assumption that emulating the ancient Romans is a BAD thing. It is this sort of foolishness that makes me want to abandon the American people and retreat to the hills to continue work on my Cancer Gun. The Romans built a major Bad-Ass empire that lasted for 500 years! The Romans were so cool that even today we make movies about them, big movies with bankable stars, which get nominated for Academy Awards and everything. They ruled the world! They nailed Jesus to a tree! They stomped on the Celts! And they achieved all of their great works while drinking water out of lead pipes!

The Romans had it together, man!

Boy, if we were more like the Romans, we would be set. No more bloated, lazy Canada, sucking away our life blood like a tick on the belly of a dog. We'd send our centurions up there, make the place State 51, and their gouging our wallets for maple syrup will be a thing of the past.

So if reality television is what it takes to bring us closer to this great heritage, so be it.

And, of course, when the other shoe drops and we actually have gladiatorial combat to the death in our mighty sports arenas, so much the better. It will provide us a way to properly utilize one of our nation's greatest natural assets: homeless people.

Haven't you ever walked past a bum, sitting on the street in a pool of his own sick, and thought, "Wow. Death would be a better fate than that."

-- - Jeff Vogel, Keeper of Avernum, Spiderweb Software, Inc.


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